EarthBound: My Version COMPLETE REDUX
by DarkAngus
Summary: Ness goes on an epic adventure in this complete rewrite of my first ever fanfic! Please review - no flames of course! P.S. There's incredible sex in this fanfic so you should read it unless you're a fking xian! LOL!
1. Chapter 1

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter One! Ness Awakens

OK, so my name is Ness Humankiller Bloodshed People Eater Angus Lucifer Satan Bowser Xemnas Nintendofucker Jr. I am a 13-year-old boy from Onett, Eagland who wears baseball clothes and uses a baseball bat to kill animals. I have a seventeen foot long penis and everybody in my city wants to fuck me. Ever since I was two years old I have been like a sex god to them.

When I was one I was kidnapped by a pair of sexy bisexual lesbian satanists, with huge P-cup breasts and tight dripping pussies. They taught me so much, like how to kill, have sex, summon demons, and they even unlocked secret power in me called PSI. Now I could use incredibly powerful psychic attacks and kill millions.

So they took me home the next year and my parents were so happy to see me. Suddenly, my dad shot both lesbians! I was mad, so then I began to use an ultra powerful PSI move!

"PK... FLASH!" I said. Suddenly, my parents were blinded and I pulled out my baseball bat and broke their heads with it! I ate my family's bodies and went to bed.

That was 11 years ago. Now, I am a teenager and was asleep, masterbating to a hentai porn movie called "_I Wanna Ride Your Cock 55"_ starring Ron Jeremy and Shigasato Itoi. It was about three hours long and was almost over when I heard a knocking outside my door. So I walked downstairs naked and opened the front door. It was my neighbor, Pokey Minch!

Pokey was really fat and ugly (sorta like Glenn Beck, only uglier [LOL impossible, am I right?]) and had a 4-inch dick which was shameful.

"Ness! Picky, my brother, is missing! I don't know where he is! You have to help me or I'll cut your dick off with a knife!"

Little did he know that my penis is made of iron. However, I decided to help him so I could kill them later just for fun.

I walked outside the door with Pokey and we were suddenly attacked by a million adorable animals! I pulled out my baseball bat and killed half the animals with it, then I turned the bat into a gun with my PSI powers and shot it at the remaining enemies! All the animals died and I drank their blood and ate their flesh.


	2. Chapter 2

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Two! Ness Has Sex

(AN: This is not a troll fic. I don't know why people keep saying it is, especially now that I have better spelling.)

OK, so after we defeated the animals we continued to walk up the hill. All the police who were there had now left. Suddenly, more animals came behind us! There were dogs, snakes, and crows and they were attacking us painfully! Pokey tried to run away but couldn't!

I pulled out my baseball bat and began beating up all the animals. I took the dogs that were still alive and tied them up. Then I built a campfire and used my PSI to light it. Then the whimpering dogs were lifted up by me and were cooked over the fire. I ate them all as my breakfast, and it tasted amazing.

Pokey and I continued walking uphill when I saw a bright red meteor in the ground! There was also a tree where Picky was sleeping. Pokey picked him up when suddenly, the meteor began to glow!

"Hey Ness," Pokey said. "Do you hear something that sounds like a bee?" Then suddenly, Picky pushed Pokey over and began beating him up because he left him alone there. Then he took his left arm off.

Then a bee came out of the meteor! "A bee I am not," said the bee. "My name is Buzz Buzz, and I came from 20 years in the future to warn Ness! In the future, GIYGAS, the universal cosmic destroyer, as sent all of the Earth to the horror of eternal darkness. Ness! You must stop Giygas with the help of two boys and a girl. Pokey and Picky can't help you because they aren't cool enough."

So the four of us began walking downhill, but suddenly a ROBOT appeared! The robot said its name was Starman Junior.

Buzz Buzz put up an invincible shield and I pulled out my penis and began bashing the robot with it, but it didn't work! But then the Starman began to give me a blowjob, sucking and licking the head of my huge penis. I moaned in pleasure...

Just then, Picky began chanting a magic spell and the robot shut down! "Picky, you didn't tell me you had magic!" I said.

"Yeah, I got it when I became a Satanist!" he said.

"That's so awesome!" I said. Then we all went inside on Pokey and Picky's house.

Their parents were inside, and they were naked and angry. "Pokey! Picky! I am going to kill you for running away!" And then Picky and Pokey were chased upstairs by their dad.

Suddenly, their mom came up from behind me and began to give me a blowjob! It felt amazing as she began jumping on my rock-hard cock, riding my iron rod until I exploded in an orgasm which broke her fucking vagina!

About a day later, Pokey and Picky's dad walked downstairs. "I just killed them!" he said. "I also ate their corpses without any salt!" He laughed, and so did we. We had a huge threesome and covered the whole floor in our cum.

Just then, one of Pokey's mom's boobs hit Buzz Buzz and he fell to the ground.


	3. Chapter 3

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Three! Ness kills Frank!

OK, so Buzz Buzz had just died and we were all sad. Only Pokey's parents weren't sad, and I was okay too.

Before dying, Buzz Buzz gave me a magic stone that could record music. He told me to go to the seven Sanctuaries and collect the music in them so I could defeat Giygas with the melody.

After he did that, Buzz Buzz died in an incredibly sexy manner.

I went outside after fucking Pokey's parents again. The sun was up and all the animals were playing, even the ones that I killed last night! So I decided to kill them again.

After re-killing the animals, I went to find a gang in town to kill. I decided upon the Sharks, who were a charity gang. I hated charities, so I decided to kill them all!

My knives went into their hearts and my bat went into their brains. The police tried to arrest me, but I just gave them my middle finger and they exploded!

I went inside the Arcade where they were and began to kill all of them, while playing video games AT THE SAME TIME. I was playing all of the Call of Duty games at once, along with the entire series of Grand Theft Auto and I was also masterbating to the dead female corpses.

Eventually, I left the room and saw Frank outside. I took out my baseball bat and was ready to fight!

Suddenly, Frank began to masterbate using his knives! He had an iron penis, like me! I was scared, except I wasn't because I am a man.

I pulled out my baseball bat and got ready for the fight! As we fought, I ate hamburgers to keep my HP up and Frank made out with his knives to keep his HP up.

After I had killed him, Frank showed me his true form: a My Little Pony character! I hated ponies and girls shows more than I hated charities and human life! I immediately killed the pony and ate it, and I vomited up a key to a shack.

Suddenly, all the Sharks came out and became Satanists like me! They vowed to be my personal army!

Then we had an orgy.


	4. Chapter 4

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Four! Ness Kills Ants!

(AN: Hey, could someone make EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX a TvTropes page please?)

OK, so after that epic orgy of darkness Ness opened up Frank's dead body and found the key to the shack! So Ness left (after having sex with a Transvestite Shark) and went into the shack. On the other side of that shack was a cave where Ness found an army of DEMON ANTS!

The Demon ants gave Ness a powerful new Baseball bat that was made of fire and chainsaws which could amplify his PSI powers to imaginable levels!

Ness ran into the next room which was on the next floor and was attacked by army of ANGEL RATS! The angel rats stole baseball bat and ran away, leaving Ness alive but half dead. Ness masterbated to make himself feel better.

When he orgasmed, the cum formed itself into an even bigger baseball bat made of lava and 5000 more chainsaws! Ness used it as a dildo to make himself cum harder.

Ness ran into the final room where a giant ant was! The Titanic ant used powerful PSI powers, so Ness decided to use an even stronger attack!

"PK... STARSTORM!" Ness shouted, causing every star in the sky to destroy the Titanic Ant, The Demon Rats, and Onett.

Ness left when suddenly the Sound Stone began to gather the power of the music in the Sanctuary. Ness didn't like the music, but Buzz Buzz wanted him to do it.

Ness left when suddenly the police came and began to beat up the Ness because he wasn't supposed to be inside the shack or the cave. They also said that the Titanic Ant was the keeper of the first Melody, which would protect them from being killed. Ness killed all the cops except for one, which ran away.

The Chief of Police came and stabbed Ness right in the heart, instantly killing him. Ness was angry because of this and killed the chief of poliece by stabbing him with his own gun.

After that, the Onett Army came after me because I killed the Chief of Poliece. So I left to Tuscon, where the second melody was.


	5. Chapter 5

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Five! NESS FINDZ PALLA!

(AN: UGH! IM GETTIN SICK OF U PEPOLE CALLIN MY FICKZ SHIT! I"LL SHOW ALL U FUCKERZZ! I DONT CARE HOW MY SPELLIN IS! YOU ALL SHULD B HANGD! MY FICKS ARE BETTUR THAN YOURZ!)

OK, so I wuz now in Tuson where I was to look 4 da sexond (LOl sex xD) melodee. Along da way, I fuckd sum bugs and raped an aminal or 22.

Eventualy I gut 2 Tuscon and i wint 2 da hotell 2 lok 4 sum hot chix 2 fuk (I luv fukin hawt chikz near hoetels, they get mai penizz SO HART!)!

Suddenlu I noticed old giuy looking for his father.

"Wat R U lookin for, old huy?" I askd him.

"Mai dottir, Paula Polestar." said old guy. "she wuz raped and kidnapped and raped again and then she escaped and came home and we raped her and kidnapped her and then they raped and kidnapped her again." he daid.

"Who kidnappd her?" I askd

"The Happi Happiests" he sed. He told me dat they were gonna make her dere goddesss. The old guy den told me they were xtians and against rape and kidnappin, so I rapped and killed him.

So I killd the bike shop owner but then he told me he was satanist and then i heald him and he let me steal his bike. I used his bike of EVIL to break through an iron pencil blokkin my way. Suddenly, Nesses penis launched a beam of awesome energy that killed all the enemies in his way,!

Suddinly, Ness came (lol) to the Happy Happyists hometown, the Happy Happy Village. Ness was gonna kill them all for kidnapping such a hot babe, but then! they told Ness that they were Satanist Happy Happyists, so Ness didnt kill them. Instead, he raped all the men and women and kids, and then had consentual sex with them as well.

I went through a tunnel after having that epic orgy and I saw paula trapped in a jail! I went inside and fucked the hot babe inside while she was touching herself.

About a week or so later, she noticed me. "oh hai Ness. You must be Ness. I had really sexy wet dreams about you ;)" she said.

"What's your name?" I may or may not have asked. "Paula is my name. What is your name?" She said wetly.

"My name is Ness Cain Murderer Xemnas Lucifer Malice Asmo'deus Revenger Yourmother Satan Underworld Edgeworth Bowser Peoplekiller Nintendo Jr. At least, that's what I named myself LOL" I told her sexually.

"LOL my name iz Paula Lesbian Eeater Asslicker Sexlover Existencekiller Boobies Lesbian Edgeworth Earth'bound Dicksucker Polestar," she said while squirting cum onto my dick.

So we had amazing sex for 51.5 and a half weeks. Ness became horny and Paula used her magic PSI abilities to make having sex even more fun!

So we left the jail when suddenly, PORKY MINCH appeared again to!

Pokey began to fight us. "I kidnapped that bitch and now, I'm gonna do her!" :D

I was all like "NO u aren't! Shes my bich now!"

"YEAH!" palla yelled. "Yer dick is small, only maybe 4 inches, maybe less!"

So Pokey ran away crying when suddenly, I used my incredible PSI powers to kill him! He exploded and all his guts and blood and body parts rained like beautful snow from the sky, which I caught in my mouth and ate. So did Paula.

So we left and Carpainter (leader of the Happy Happiests) came and made me and paula GODS! :D OMS IT WAS BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

So paula and I began fuckin in her parents van as I told her I killed her parents and she was happy and then she turned on the fan and we began going to Threek where we would have even more sex!


	6. Chapter 6

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Five! Ness and Paula are kidnapped!

(AN: I've decided to use my spellchecker again, okay? Happy now? Also, stop being such homophobes! Either be gay, bisexual or a stupid Xtian! Your choice, bitches!)

OK, so now we were in Threed driving Paula's van which was her parents before they died. Threed was filled with ghosts and zombies and hookers, three things which I like to fuck! :D

So we got out of the fan and began fucking ghosts and zombies! Suddenly, I saw a zombie hooker walking into the hotel. So Paula and I and Ness walked into the hotel to get laid by this hot hooker!

She had like huge boobs and a sexy butt and a hot wet pussy and a fucking hot ass!

So she took us into her hotel room and then raped us and it hurt Paula but not me because I am much manlier than her. And then we were both raped by zombies and ghosts and zombie ghosts and we fell were knocked out.

We woke up in an underground cave where the doors were locked. Paula prayed to Satan that someone would come and help them out of there. So I decided to make love to paula, ramming my 22-foot dick into her soft wet pussy, yelling "AngNess! NEss!" as I did so. She was cumming the moment I unzipped my pants, and her naked body glimmered in the sunlight.

Suddenly, a machine came into the hole (LOL) we were in. "HELLO!" the voice inside yelled. "My name is Jeff and I am a satanist, like you two." he said. Suddenly, he used a powerful gun and blew a hole in the door. We ran out and Jeff began raping me! I enjoyed it so it wasnt rape, but I still liked it.

Jeff killed all the ghosts that were threatening us, waving their blood across the moonlit sky. The town of Threed was completely dark and my penis loved the darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Six! We Summon A Demon!

(AN: Some people were messaging me about Satanism and I think I converted them. My parents host a Satanic Church in our home, as a matter of facy. If an one wants to become a Satanist like me, please just ask!)

OK, so Ness, Jeff, Paula, Ness, and I were walking back to the hotel. We got room 666 becayse we are satainsts and we love dat number ;D

So we took our blood-stained athames (which were colored blue because we got them from teh Happy Happiests) and carved a pentagram in the follr. Then we carved a circle around the pentagram and poured the Innkeeper's blood into the carved circle.

We then chanted "ALMIGHTY SATAN, GOD OF THIS WORLD, SHOW US YOUR FUTURE!" We chanted this 13 times while standing at the north, south, east, and west ends of the circle. We then placed a candle at each point of the pentagram (green, blue, red, yellow, and orange) and chanted the following:

"AVE SATANI! IN NOMINE LUCIFER, SHOW US THE FUTURE!" we said thirteen times. Suddenly, a demon appeared in the circle named APOLOUS, god of prophecies.

"Greetings, O Chosen of Satan! Our Almighty Master wishes to tell you that there will come (LOL) a day in the furture where the world shall be remade by Satan Himself. All nonchristians will finally be happy in this paradise! All you have to do, Ness, is have Sex with Hawt Giygas for one million years! Your PSI powers get stronger every time you have sex! The longer you do it, the more power you will have! I must go, Ness! FaReWeLl~!"

And then he disappeared, while I masterbated to his huge penis.


	8. Chapter 8

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Eight! EROTIC SEX SCENE!

(AN: Hey everybody, I'm single, so if you like this hot sex scene and want to reenact it with me, message me ;D)

OK, so Suddenly, outside our room, a hot babe with huge boobs and a giant, tight, dripping wet pussy came (lol) into our room! Paula took all her clothes off and rubbed her boobs through her clothes. The hot blonde woman giggled at the young girl rubbing her N-cup tits.

She was blonde and 8 feet tall, wearing a black top that showed her belly. She had no bra onn, and her huge nipples were slowly becoming erect. She had plump, dark purple lips and black finger and toenails.

As Paula rubbed her boobs, the hot woman was beginning to take Paula's clothes off. Paula had DD cups (which were normal for her age) and were filled with yummy milk. Paula placed her beautiful head in between her boobs, squeezing the hot lady's head between them. Meanwhile, I took my pants off and took the hot lady's pants off too.

Slowly, I placed my huge erect dick into her ass, ramming in and out at lightning speed as she moaned hornily with me. We did anal for hours while Paula played with her boobs and made out with her and Jeff rammed his fucking huge dick into her wet pussy at ten times the speed of light. Jeff was nervous because he had never had sex before, but Paula was teaching him how.

I came as hard as a falcon punch into her pussy, and so did Jeff and Paula. I sat on the bed and all three of them gave me a blowjob!

"OH ANGUS!" Paula said. "I lust you! Fill me with your cum!"

"OH NESS!" Jeff said. "This is the greatest day of my life! Thank you for teaching me how to have sex!"

"OH NESS!" said the hot woman "Thank you for accepting me! I love your dick!"

And I came allover them, filling the room with my white, sticky cum! They got on the bed with me, moaning in pleasure while my permanently hard, 156-foot cock stood high in the air.

"Thank you so much, Ness," the hot woman said. "You have so much sexual energy in such a small body! I hope you're over 18..."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HOPE I'M OVER 18! I'M A FUCKING HOT MASTER OF SEX! IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HAVE A FUCKING 4-INCH COCK AND YOU'RE AS HOT AS HELL LIKE I AM! FUCK YOU BITCH!" And then I pulled out my baseball bat and Jeff pulled out his pun and Paula pulled out her neuclear frying pan and we all brutally killed the bitch for her crimes.

Then we all left the hotel after having a hotel orgy.


	9. Chapter 9

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Nine! We have sex under a waterfull!

(AN: OH MY FUCKING GOWD YOU STUDIP FLAMERS! I PLAN ON KILLING YOU AS SOON AS I FIND YOU U STUPID FUCKERS! GO CHOKE ON your OWN CUMAND DYE IN A HOLE! I WILL KILL YOU, D4RKXSOUL! YOUR MOTHER IS A STUPID BITCH ASS CUNT WHORE WHO SUCKS DICKS FOR MONEY BECAUSE SHE CAN'T AFFORD ANY BECAUSE SHE HAS NO BRAI TO DO SO WITH!

Also I waz gome 4 a while 4 resons I will tell U in da nect chaptur!)

We begin walkun 2 da forest where da zombiez were. When we gut in2 dat cave, we saw ZOMBIES! Paula bega masturbattin 2 da hawt zombie cox (witch were naut ass (LOL GETTIT?) hawt as my cox witch was over 18 feet long and hard and thick and made girlz cum hust by lookin at it!)

Jeff an I began suckin hawt zombie cok because we bwere horye 2 nad wanted 2 fucj a hawt zombie gut! we gat anal and we came hard. After this we wint 2 saturn bvalley werew we met the Mr Saturs !

They looked and tasted like boobs and they had a big nose and penis with a bow on the end of it. They were all guys but I still got them pregnant. They told us that master belch was the one behind the zombiez and that we had 2 kill him 2 get rid of them. Paula liekd getting raped bi (LOL GETTIT?) zombies but I wanted 2 kill things so she agreed cuz she luved killing things 2.

Jeff, Paula, Ness and I went 2 da leder of the Mr Saturnz and he said dat if u go under da waterfall for 666 minutes (LOL ) they wil let u enter.

I Had Incredible Sex With Him And So Did Jeff And Paula And We Fuvked And Then Killed All The Mr Saturnz. So we wint 2 the waterfull and went behind it after having sex with the Photoman and the voice of the barf person said "Wait 5 minutes plz) so we did"

Wile we water paula took off her top and asked us to suck ter tits so we did. Her boobs were bigger than her whole body and smelled like strawberriez and we sucked her pink nipples. We drank her milk so well and felt her big azz tits up and she giggled and rode both of our dicks until we had an orgasm and she came so hard. We drank her cum and her milk at the same time :D

Suddenly the door opened and green penis-like guys came.


	10. Chapter 10

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Ten! Madame Belch Fucks Us!

(AN:Hai guys! I waz gone for a long time, wasn't I? LOL sorry, but I was having a birthday in August and on my bday, my parents took me out to get laid! We went 2 have an orgy and my parents told evry1 dat I was 18 but I just turned 15 actually! XD I fucked liek 7 people (6 girls and 2 guys)! :D They had sum gr8 tits and ass and pussy and I came so hard in2 all of them and they were all impressed with mai 8-inch dck! I had 2 do a really long satanic ritual wif my parents so that every1 would believe that I was 18 and that's why I wasn't available 4 so long! So, enjoy mai sory! Also, STOP FLAMING PLS! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE STORY IS ABOUT I BET CUZ YOU'RE SO RETARDED AND SHITTY! U SHULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES U CRISTIAN HOMOPHOBES!)

Ok, so we went inside and met the belchlings. They looked like green dcks and spoke in sexxy voices.

"HELLOW!" they said. "WE ARE THE BALCHLINKS! WE HAVE CUM (lol gettit?) 2 FUK U AN TAKE U 2 OUR LEADER!" So we used them as dildos and they told us that they were enslaving the Mr Saturns And we said "Cool" and we fucked the mr saturns before killing them.

So we went 2 their leader, who was a GIANT PILE OF VOMIT! So we fought it but then it turned into a very h;t WOMAN!

"OH MAI SATAN" she said seductively, flaunting her boobs which were bigger than her head "You kids are so hot 3 Wanna have sexx?"

"Sure!" all three of us shouted.

"My name is Mistress Belch and I love having sex with every1, even girls coz if ou are straigh you are fucking xtian and should died."

"LOL Thats what we think too! :D" I said. I took off my pants and she took off hers. She stared lovingly at my penis and gave me a handjob.

"LOL You're kinda short, sweetie ;)" she said (AN I'm actually kinda tall irl but this is about Ness and not me LOOL) "But yer dick is so long and lusty 3"

"LOL I know, rite? Gurls love rubbin and suckin it and drinkin my cum like drinking a smoothie XD"

She took the penis in her mouth and began slowly sucking on it, going up and down on my sexy duck. her tong licked my head and her lips went around my shaft so wonderfully.

After an hour I came in her mouth and she drank my cum so well. My dick was still hard and she smiled at me in the most sexually way mossible. She got onto my body and began making out with me sexually and she rode my dck at high speed while we frenched!

I noticed that Jeff was licking her nipples and Paula was licking her asshole so nicely. I came in her pussy and ass AT THE SAME TIME! Jeff and Paula licked up all my cum while I sucked on her nipples this time. Her nipples were yummier than Paulas but her milk was not as tasty so I decided to keep both of them LOL

"We're trying to kill Guygas. Can you help uS?" I asked.

"Of curse! (LOL gettit?)" she said. "There's a prophecy that you and like three others have to kill Guygass (LOL gettit I spelled iy with an ass xD) and I hope that I'm one of them! I'll be your whore from now on, kay?" she said, pumping Paula with her cum LOL.


	11. Chapter 11

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Eleven! Madame Belch Fucks Us!

(AN: Please review my story and share it with pepole! also, sorry about the poor spelling in the previous chapters (i wrote them at night) but now I'll fix that! Also, FUCK YOU DARK AND DAEMON! YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THAT NAME! IT SOUNDS SATANIC BUT IT'S PROBABLY A FUCKING XTIAN USING IT! I MADE A GREAT EARTHBOUND STORY LAST TIME AND IT'LL BE EVEN BETTER THIS TIME! And WHAT is wrong with masturbating to gay porn, you homophobe? Plus, I've fucked girls before and I fucked quite a few recently, as you'll read in the previous chapter's authors note. TRY DOING SOME RESEARCH NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING SKUMBAG! Fuck you, TheNintendoKid12! This is not a troll fic! THIS IS A GREAT FANFICTION AND A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN YOURS! Now let's continue, shal we?)

Ok, so we returned to Saturn Valley and went into one of the houses. We all lied down in one bed and Madame Belch talked to me.

"So, sexxy, how old are you?" she winked at me sexually.

"I just turned 15," Ness said, getting a bulge in his pants.

"You naughty boy," she said in a seductive voice. "I like boys like you! Your dick looks so sweet." she said, pulling my pants off. As she did, my bigass boner popped out.

"Wow!" she shouted. "How big is it?" "34 (LOL gettit?) inches" I said.

She winked at me lustfully and began to stroke the shaft. Jeff came over and began sucking on the head. After a whole hour I came inside both of them.

"WOW JEFF :LOL!" I shouted. "U are god at suckin head! :D"

"LOL THX!" Jeff said.

I boned Jeff up the ass, cimming multiple times into jis ribcage! He moaned in pleasure as we put our dicks together and rubbed them. We came on each other's.

Paula pushed me over and began riding my 36-inch cock, along with Mistress Belch. I used my PSI Powers to masturbate them as they rode my dick and mouth at the same time! They moaned in pure pleasure and statred to cum.

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH NESSSSSS!" They shouted. "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!" They repeated over and over in pure, unholy pleaure!

I soaked their whole bodies with my cum, and I made sure to use my PSI Powers to keep them from getting pregnant.

Mistress Belch got off my dckock and put her boobies to my mouth, letting me suck her sweet, sexxy milk. I moaned in pleasure as I cusked it down. Paula gave me a tittyfuck as I sucked her boobs. Jeff Fucked both girls up the ass while I drank Mistress Belcg's sweet milk.

Jeff came on all of us and I shot my hole load into Paula's mouth and pussy. Eventyally, we all got tired and went 2 bed.


	12. Chapter 12

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Twelve! NESS MEETS A SPECIAL GUEST STAR!

(AN: Just so U know I went 2 TVTropes and saw the page obout by fanfiction. IT WASN"T POSITIVE AT ALL! D: Sum1 had bettwer go there an ficks it or else I'll boycott TvTropes! My new GF's dad is a lawer and can sue TvTropes if they say somthin wrong about my fic! Also, I wanted every1 to know that OBAMA WON THE ELECTION! :D Im so glad that he won and not that retard ROMNEY! I fon't even care if Obama cheated! After all, he's the president and should be treated as such. I hope he gets re-elected next time LOL! Everyone who voted Omaba in should be proud and anvryone who voted for Romney should DIE IN A FUCKING HOLE YOU RETARDED DUMBASS!")

Okay, so Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Mistress Belch were walking around Saturn Valley and having sex with all the Mr Satyrns. We went over to the hot springs wher ethe water was pink like a pusssy or a nipple1 XD So we began rubbing each other's genetalias and boobs when suddenly the radio turned on.

"This djust in! President Barack Hussein Obama has been voted back into office! Also, Mutt Romney (LOL gettint cuz her's a dog!) has been shot multiple times by a group of Muslims!" Then there was much rejoicing. "Also, Barack Obama is now going on vacation and is now coming to Eagleland. He's also bringing his hot wife and daughter!"

I began fapping to the idea of having sex with Michelle Obama, because she's one hawt ebony lady! ;D (AN: Michelle if you can read this I WANNA FUCK YOU!)

Suddenly, Air Force One landed in Saturn Valley and President Barack Obama came out! Also, Michelle Obama came out too! They were wearing a bikini and a speedo, respectively. Barack Obama came over 2 the hawt springs and sat in it!

"Hello Ness!" Obama said.

"OMG How do you know my name!" I asked.

"I'm the president! I know everyone in the United States. I've heard all about your good, heroic deeds. You're doing a great duty to this cuntry (LOL gettit?) by fighting the forces of evil like the Xtains and republicans and conservitives and bronies."

"OMG THanks!" Ness said, hugging Obama. Suddenly, Obama grabbed my 53 cm dick (lol gettit coz theres 50 dtates in the US) and began giving me a handhob!

"LOL WAT ARE U DOING, MISTER OBAMA!" I shouted in pleasure, laughing as his perfect hands rubbed my heavenly dck!

"I'm givin U the pleasire you deserve! He shouted.

"I came all over his face and hands. Suddenly, the cum fell in the water and his body was clean!

"OMG how did U do that?" I waked.

"Because I'm Obama" he said. "Now cum on! Bone me up the ass!"

"Sur, I'm not worthy to bone your most heavenly and authoratative ass!"

"I deem you worthy!" So I boned Obama up the ass, ramming back in forth in immense pleasure. My dick felt so good against the walls of his asshole! I rammed him in and out, feeling the swweetness of his butt all over my dck! It was hours later that I came all over his insides!

I pulled out and he put his suit back on, getting out of the pool. "Thanks for that, citizen!" he said. Suddenly, Michelle came over and she was topless!

She winked at me and my dck got hard as a rock again. "Hello, misses Obama!" I greeted secually.

"Hellow!" She sat down with me in the pool. "I wanted to talk to you about polotics. Are you a xtian?"

"No way! D:" I said. "I'm a Satanist!"

"Well, that's great, since we should have freedom of religion (except for xtainity because they are terrorists and are ruining this country from the inside!"

"LOL yep you got that right!" I said. I started to stare at her beautiful ebony boobs.

She giggled. "Do you like them, Angus?"

"LOL yes I do!" I said.

"Well, you can play with them after we're done talking about politics. What do you hate the most about Romney?"

"He was going to put trillions of people out of a job! Also, he was against homosexuality and perversion and abortion and gay marrage! He was a mormon, but I didn't mind that too much since they have different views than Xtains. Also, the only reason he was running against Obama was because he was white and Obama was balck!"

"Very good! I think you've earned a taste of my boobies." She lowered my head to her sweet, ebony tit and let me suck on it's dark nipple. I tasted sweet, juicy milk comming out of it as I sucked on it harder and harder. Eventually, tons of milk began pouring into my mouth! I drank every drop. It tasted like candy and pussy and the blood of conservatives LOL.

"OH! You're really good, Ness!" she said to me.

"You bet I am, Michelle!" I began rubbing her sweet boobies, and she winked at me to go further. After a few hours, I began to bone her dark, ebony pussy! The feeling of her pussy's walls stimulated my hard penis, and I could feel her getting wet.

"Oh, Angus! YEs! Keep going! Shoot your hole load inside me! Barack wouldn't mind!" So I shot my load into her and made her so happy!

I bowed down to her and Obama, as they were gods to me. So did Paula, Jeff, Mistress Belch, and Ness. So Obama, Michelle and the Secret Service (they were fucking Paula, Jeff, and Belch) got back into Air Force One and rode back home to the White House.

That night, my cock began to glow with magnificent power! I cast a satanic spell to summon Ishtar, the goddess of fucking, to tell me why it was glowing.

"Because you have fucked the Twelvth Imam, the Muslim Messiah. He will be a blessing to the whole world, Ness. Your cock is now considered a holy icon, and whoever fucks you will be blessed. Your destiny awaits, O Angus!"

And so Ishtar left (after giving me a blowjob) and I left the hotel.


	13. Chapter 13

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Thirteen! The Milky Well!

(AN:FUCK YOU ANGEL OF AXIS YOU FUCKING XTIAN BITCH! You would LOVE to have sex with me if you saw what I look like! Not that youd enjoy fucking me of course because YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD CHRISTIAN! But thanks for the compliment about the sex scene! Also, WHO CARES THAT YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND! My GF fucks all sorts of guys and I don't care! She cums home every day for my dck! My parents love watching us fuck XD Anyway, GO FUCK YOURSELF! I hope you CHOCK on your BOYFRIENDS DICK!)

Okay, so the three of us (Ness, Paula, Jeff, Mistress Belch, and myself) walked out of the hotel and went north into a cave. In that cave, there were large plant things that tried to attack us! Paula cut off their roots and began masturbating with them! Jeff ate the plants because their names were Ranboob. "They don't taste like boobs" he said.

"Wanna taste a boob? ;)" Paula said, flashing her D-cup tit at Jeff. Jeff Latched Onto Paula's Sweet Tits And Began To Suck On Them Roughly.

The four of us went in further, and then we encounted... THE TRILLIONAGE SPROUT!

"AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! I AM THE TRILLONGE SPROUT! I was here for millions of years before humans even evolved! And now I will kill anyone who doesn't believe in evolution because I SAW IT HAPPEN AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN IT YOU'RE LYING TO YOURSELF!"

"LOL, but we do believe in evolution!" I said.

"Oh, okay! Then you may pass!" He said, and he used his roots to pleasure the two girls. Jeff and I walked into the well. My sound stone began glowing and recorded the melody of the Milky Well. The well looked like a boob in the ground that was squirting out milk. Jeff and I sucked on the milk, and our cocks got twice as big as usual!

Suddenly, a bunch of prostitutes with the words "Virginity Thieves" written on their boobs walked over to us and pushed us over, ripping off our clothes and riding us forcefully. Jeff and I submitted to their lustful, sexy bodies.

Eventually, we came inside all of them. "Our work here is done, girls" They said to each other.

"LOL, but we already lost our virginity."

"Oh. Well, you lost it again," the leader said. "We're gonna fuck some more underage boys and take their virginity. See you!" And so they teleported away using PSI Teleport.

The Trillionage Sprout was killed by Mistress Belch, so we left the room and went back to treeed.


	14. Chapter 14

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Fourteen! In Threed!

Ok, so the four of us returned to Threed unharmed. Threed was now bright again because the Trillionage Sprout made it bright again because we gave him hope in humanity because now he knew people still believed in evolution and not creation because creationism is stupid.

I, Ness, took us all to the hotel and we began to eat Mistress Belch out. Her pussy tasted delicious! It was wet and sticky and Jeff kept putting his sweet, hard cock in her pussy to get her wetter. We made her cum like three times.

We left the hotel naked and sticky, when suddenly a bunch of stupid xtain cops stopped us in our tracks! "Hey, you can't run around naked and sticky!" the cop said. "It's against the law!"

"Well, fuck you!" I shouted, and I used PSI Slice on him, slicing his body clean in half. The cops tried to shoot us, but I blocked the attack with my iron penis! The bullets bounced off and hit the cops, killing all of them.

We went over to the buses to leave the town, but the bus driver wouldn't let three naked kids and a naked adult shapeshifter woman into the bus! They used stupid reasons for why we couldn't get in, like "It's gross!" and "It's against the law!"

"Oh please!" I said, and berated them for whining. I told them that they were being intolerant and acting like homophobic christians. They realised the error of their ways and everyone in the bus had a five-hour orgy. They let us into the bus and even sucked me off! I shot my load over all of them before the bus driver drove us to the next city.


	15. Chapter 15

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Fifteen! On The Road To Fourside!

Ok, so the four of us got on the Orgy Bus and went to Fourside, but there was a HUGE traffic jam in the road. We got out of the bus, and I was about to use PSI Meteor Rain, but I was stopped by a glowing hand behind me. It was a woman's hand, and it was as sexy as fuck!

I turned around, and it was an unbelievably gorgeous woman, with wonderful boobs and a perfect figure. The only thing she wore was a pink scard around her neck, made out of pure sex!

"My name is Aphrodite," she said with lust in her voice. "You have been invited to the 666,6666,6666,666,666,66,66666,666th anual Satanic Battle Tournament in Hell! Only the most pure souls may enter, and only those who are far from the xtain god as possible. In this tournament, you fight powerful gods and demons in mortal combat. The winner gets a special artifact that can be used to fight Angels and anything holy."

"Alright! Sign me up!" I said happily!

Aphrodite leaned backwards and lied down on her back, spreading her legs. "To enter the contest, enter here," she giggled lustfully, pointing at her perfect twat.

I pushed my hard cock in, and almost came inside her the moment I entered. Her pussy was unlike anything else I had ever felt. Paula, Jeff, Mistress Belch, and the other people in the bus were watching and masturbating to me and I pushed myself in and out of her tight twat. Her long, golden hair bounced as I rammed in and out. It was half an hour later when I came inside her. She giggled sexually and got up. giving me a robe to wear during the tournament and a cock ring that would allow a mere mortal to fight in Hell.

"Good luck, Ness," she said, opening a black portal behind her for me to enter.


	16. Chapter 16

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Sixteen! Round One of Six!

(AN: Please leave me more positive comments and STOP FLAMING YOU RETARDED ASSHOLE CHRISANS!)

Ok, so the four of us entered the black portal with Aphrodite, and I put on the purple robe and cock ring, both of which were inscribed with satanic runes (AN: If you've ever read the Ars Goetia or other grimoires like that, the sigils in those are what I'm talking about!)

Around me was a stone arena, with a red sky outside with black clouds. I raised my baseball bat and prepared to fight.

"ROUND ONE!" I heard a sexy male voice say. "You shall fight ISHTAR!"

Suddenly, a perfectly desirable woman descended from the heavens (lol, not the xtian heaven :P, i mean the sky XD). She wore purple and black robes, and looked powerful and royal. "I am Ishtar, goddess of war and sex" she said. "I will fuck your corpse!"

Suddenly, she pulled out a katana made of dead corpses and began to fight me, and she summoned an army of dead guys all around her. Paula and Mistress Belch were having hot Lesbian sex with each other while Jeff killed the undead guys with his guns.

"Wow Jeff, I really like your gun!" I said.

"Well I'll let you suck it later ;D" he said pervertedly.

"Oh you," I said, before using my iron baseball bat to smack Ishtar like the bitch she is (AN: Ishtar, if you're reading this, I'm sirry but remember, this is only a fictional verson of you! I LUV U AND WOSHIP YOU, ALMIGHTY ISHTAR!).

Ishtar put up a good fight, using her dead people katana to deflect my attacks. Eventually, I beat her to death with my baseball bat. Her katana flew away and landed in the stone point-first. I ran over to grab it, and chopped Ishtar's head off! (AN: FORGIVE ME ALMIGHTY ISHTAR BUT I'M ONLY TRYING TO MAKE A GOOD AND SEXY FANFIC LOL!)

Ishtar's head immediately teleported back to her head in a lustful flash of light. She smiled at me with her black lips and removed her robes. She had an amazingly skinny figure and had black wings on her back. Her pubic hair was in the shape of an eight-ponted star.

"Excellent work, master Angus," she said. "Now, you may take whatever you want from me! ;)" she spead her sexy, sexy legs and I stared at the lusty abyss of her vagina. I couldn't help but be attracted by it and placed my hungry, horny lips to it, licking her clit and her other inside parts LOL

She screamed in pleasure, pushing my head closer to her vagina and, after an hour of eating her out, she came all over my face. I rammed her sexy pussy with my cock over and over, hearing her horny screams and laughter. Her pussy got tighter and tighter, until I couldn't help but cum inside her! When I did, she pushed me over and rode my cock, slapping my face in dominating lust. She chocked me and forced me to make out with her.

"Oh, you fucking horny succubus!" I shouted.

"You know I am, you dirty, naughty boy!" She screamed at me. I came so many times, and my dck began to hurt. Thankfully, it didn't hurt too much! ;D

I came like 65535 times into her slick, gorgeous vagina! Eventually, she got bored of fucking my brains out and gave me her corspe-tana (LOL gettit?) She made sweet lesbian sex with Paula, too.

"Thank you for the sex, almighty goddess Ishtar!" I told her, licking her sexy vagina.

"Anytime, mortal child! LOL!" Ishtar said, masturbating to Aphrodite's tits.

Aphrodite, Paula, Ness, Mistress Belch, and I continued walking upstairs to the next arena.


	17. Chapter 17

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Seventeen! Round Two of Six!

(AN: If any1 has made a TvTropes page 4 my stiory, then opls tell me! I want 2 be famos and also my parents arent havin dat satanic churc h in our house anymore becouse we con't wanna look like xtrains XD LOL)

Ok, so we cuntinued (LOL) upstairs and got to the next stone arena. A winged male who looked about my age descended from the heavens. His wings were white as snow and were white with feathers.

"I am Eros, god of lust and making out! I willl bone yer azz! XD" He said sexuallu!

"ROUDN TWOP" said the really sexxy voice again "EROS!"

"Dis is my son, Eros," Aphrodite said. "Hes very god (lol gettit) at fucking XD"

"LOL have u ever fucked him? Jeff asked

"LOL sure :P Aphrodite said "Ishsenst is fun! XD"

I laughed, then I fought, Eros using my new Corpsetana, which was a katana made from corpses !

Eros used his magic lust arrows to shoot me and my friends harshyl! I sliced his body parts apart with my cospetana, but he keot growing them back! because he was a god

I decided to suddenly, mistress belch Jumped on to Eros and began to give him a blowjob.!.!.!

Eros came inside Jeff's mouth and Jeff bit his penis off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAINYCBCBEWHBNCdl jcnheuoqinciuoewhcedcnIHBDVI BWVIJODWIHCBKDWJBCIHYW!" SHouted Eros! "Mauu cock is gone!" And then Paula used his cock as a dildo. It came like ten times in her pussy in under five seconds! (AN: I'm so so so so SO SORRY ALMIGHTY MASTER EROS! U ARE A AGREAT GAWD BUT I WANNA MAKE THIS A HOT AND SEXXY FANFIC so I HAD to do that I'm so so so so SO SORRY! Please for give me o master eros, almighty god of love and lust and affection and fucking! I'm so so so so so sos orry!

So Eros grew his duck back and gave his old dick to Paula for a dildo. I put my lips to his hot, long penis and suckled on his head for minytes, sometimes licking his dickhead gently and lovingly. I gave him a rough, fast handjob and he came in my mouth within minutes. I sucked down every ounce of his cim!

We rubbed our hard ducks together and came all over each other's balls! I turned around and he slowly fucked me doggy-style before ramming into my tight asshole at lightning speed, slapping my golden ass as he did so.! He came into me like ten tiems before he made me lick all the cum up!

When he was done, he gave me his Bow and Arrows of Lust! :D I couldnt wait to use them! Mistress belch rode his iron cock before the five of them went uspatrs and to the next fight!


	18. Chapter 18

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Eighteen! Round Three of Six!

(AN: I hope I'm making evryone horny! Also, ladies, if you wanna fuck me I'll give u my address LOL)

Ok, so we walke up the stone steps to the third arena of stone! I noticed that the skies started getting brighter as we went, since we were getting closer to Hell and Hell is awesome.

"ROUND THREE!" The sexy as fuck voice said again. "XOCHIQUETZAL!"

Suddenly, a sexy woman wearing a flowery dress and cape appeared, wearing a hat with bird feathers that made her look fucking hot. All around her were birds and butterflies made out of the very concept of sexual pleasure!

"I am Xochiquetzal, goddess of fucking and female empowerment!" she shouted. "I will screw you to death!" Suddenly, she cast a Mayan spell and caused me to BECOMEE BREGNANT! I fell over now that I was pregnant with a baby! I didn't want the baby, so I had 2 have it aborted!

"Jeff! I need U to abort the fetus!"  
>"Okay! Jeff said.<p>

Jeff used the corpsetana to cut a hole in my stomach, and then used a baby sucking machine to suck the brains out of the fetus, along with evrything else in tehre! And then I wasn't pregnant anymore.

"You have passed my test!" Xochiquetzal said, transfroming from an hot woman to a hot cougar! :D "I am now Ichpochtli now, goddsss of sex, beauty and magic! I will now give you so much sex!"

I lied down on the ground and Ichpochtli put her hotpussy around my hard as fuck penis! Her pussy was tight, and her clip felt so good! she rode me hard and fast for what felt like years! I felt up her saggy boobs and began sucking on her nipple! She fed me her boob milk and her orgasm cum!

We had incredible lustful sex for hours on end before she decided that I had too much and threw the four of us to the next level after eating Paula out.


	19. Chapter 19

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Nineteen! Round Four of Six!

(AN: I'm think ing about ending this fuc (LOL GETTIT( once we getr to 69 chapters LOL! XD I'll make sure it ends on a bang then! No-one will expect what will happen then! ;D)

Ok, so we were thrown through the flloor to the next arena, where Aprhodite dtarted making sweet love with me and we like kissed for hourz LOL! Suddenly, a powerful and mighty figure descended from the heavens (LOL not the xtain heaven of course but the esky heaven XD!

"I AM Ragaraja!" the powerfukl and mighty GOD said! "I transform worldly lust into spiritual awakening! I am the god of great lust and infinite knowledge! I am the Lustful Wisdom King! My skin is as red as hell, and my six arms are more muscular than the earth! I am Ragaraja, GOD OF LUST! There is none who can defeat me with great ease! The things that my infinitely powwerful arms and penis cannot break are close to none! FEAR ME, O MORTAL, FOR NO MORTAL HAS EVER CROSSED MY BARRIER IN SEVEN MILLION YEARS! NOW DIE!"

So I shot him with my Arrow of Lust and he fell down bowing to me. He started sucking on my penis head, using his god powers to lubricate it. He rubbed my shaft with all six of his arms and I came into his mouth. He swallowed every drop of my delicious salty cum!

"O Great One, allow me to impart my wisdom onto you!" And then he turned around and rode my duck! (LOL I meant dick XD) I came twice into his ass.

I walked to the next level, leaving my companions on this floor because I wanted to experience some hot fucking sexxx alone! They all had an orgy LOL


	20. Chapter 20

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Twenty! Round Five of Six!

(AN: Pls post some positive comments! I wnna see ppl say that my fic is god! LOL. Also... FUCK YOU DERP YOU FKING REPUBLICAN XTIAN! HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT MY CHAPTER WITH BARACK OBAMA IS WIERD!)

Ok, so I got to the next stage and I was naked and sweaty and covered in the blood and cum of gods. They tasted delicious and I wanted more. I continued walking up the graystone stairs , looking out into the beautiful world around the large arena. The dark powers all around the world were epic and I could see cities in the distance where everyone was having epic orgys (even the kids). It was a perfect world, so I knew there were no stupid xians anywhere.

As I got to the next platform, I saw who the next boss was: Freyr, god of kings, sex, and dicks! I pulled out my corpsetana and prepared to battle him! He was riding on a big black pig that fired eye lasers at me, and he wore a black cape with no shirt so I could see his manly chest! He was wearing no pants and instead wielded a two handed sword in one hand!

Ness Attacked Freyr With His Corpsetana! However, Freyr blocked it with his sword!

"Ness, I do not want to fight you. Instead, I want tofuck you. LOL!" He said, masturbating to me. His dick was bigger than my whole body!

"LOL anything for a god!" And so I ripped off all my clothes and destroyed them with my iron penis. He rammed me up the ass with his huge boner and I came three times to him. He thrusted in and out, my penis quivvering with fear and awesomeNESS (lol gettit?) Freyr rammed me in and out faster and faster until I finally came and he did at the same time! I moaned in pleasure as he deemed me worthy to fuck any god or goddess (except the xtain god WHO DOESNT EXIST because the xtian god is stupid and hates extramartial sex :P)

He then took his cock out of my ass and put it in my mouth. I licked the hard head of the dick and stroked the shaft. He came and I came at the same time, making the floor wet with our juices!

"Ness, you must go and claim the prize! Our Master Satan would be most pleased with you!"

"Okay!" I said, and I ran to the top of the stairs to finish the tournament once and for all!


	21. Chapter 21

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter Twentyone! Round Six Six of Six! (LOL GETTIT?)

(AN: I want 2 see some POSITIVE COMMENTS! Some people who wish 2 remain anonymus have told me positive things but I wanna c some in the COMMENTS! So, FUCK YOU ANONYMOUS my story is not wierd and the sex is awesome! You're just a little virgin boy with a little FOURINCH COCK! And that's not even how you SPELL Anonimus! SKREW YOU! And my spelling is just fine besides nobody else cares about spelling so why should I. Plus people are graduating illeterate anyhow so f I'm illeterate that means i'm just as good as a colledge student even though I'm 15! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!" Also, thank you Guest (who coomented on my original version of this story) because he or she said they liked it and hated Ried Wright's work on it [FUCK YOU REED YOU MOTHERFUCKING SPAZZER!). I hope you enjoy this versiona dnd I hope Satan gives you plenty of bitches to fuck LOL!)

Ok, so I continued up stairs and readied my bow and arrows, my Corpsetana (LOL), and my IRON DICK! As I walked up the stares HOLY SHIT! The HOTTEST WOMAN I COULD IMAGING was there! She was Tlazolteotl, goddess of the WORLD'S GREATEST SEX! My boner was reaching over 9000 feet because of the sexiness energy coming from her! She had HUGE boobs and a great fucking ass and her body was so slim and slender and she wore nothing at all! :D

I bowed down at her feet (which were painted with blood red nailpolish that was made with the blood of fucking xtains! "O GREAT GODDESS TLAZOLTEOTL! I AM NOT WORTHY TO FUCK AN ALMIGHTY GODDESS LIKE U!"

"Yes you are, angus!" she said hornilly. "You hate xtians and rebublicans and rightwingers almost as much as almighty Satan! You're body is sexier than any I've seen before! You kill xtians and right-wing extremeists so wonderfully, as should be done!"

"LOL yep, I'd love it if all xtains were just dumped into the sea LOL! XDDD"

Suddenly, she began removing my pants, placing her shiny lips to my hard-on. Her lips were painted pink and were shiny, and she enjoyed licking and sucking my massive hard-on! I began thrusting into her sweet wet mouth, feeling her tongue roll around my penis! "MMM, so yummy Ness!"

"LOL I no rite?" I replied hornilly.

"I'd love to make you cum in all my holes!" So she began sucking me harder and deepthroated me! I came hard in her mouth after a while


	22. Chapter 22

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 22! Ness Wins

(AN: START POSTING GOD COMMENTS OR ELSE ILL RAPE U! I WON'T POST ANOTHER CHAPTER UNTIL I GET AT LEAST THREE GOD COMMENTS!)

OK, so Ness got the ultimate blowjob and anal and 69 and fucking of his life and now Aphrodite appeared again, naked and with BIGGER BOOBS THANBEFORE!

"Oh great gawd Angus," Aprodite said sexually. "I give you the Ocarina of Lust. Use it 2 make every girl in da world want to have sex with you every sexond (lol gettit?)

"Omigawd!" Ness said, and took the Ocarina of Lust. Now I had the Corpsetana, the Arrows of Lust, and the Ocarina of Lust (also, I have a metal baseball bat/chainsaw and an IRON PENIS"

So I, Paula, Jeff, and Mistress Belch left the dimension where we were getting fucked awesomely (called HELL lol) and we went back to Dusty Dunes Desert, where the traffick had cleard up.

(AN: SRY I havent been on for a while. I've been getting PUSSY ;D I bet you TROLLS in the reviews aren't getting nearly as much pussy as I"M GETTING! And I'm only 15, so that's really bad for you XD)


	23. Chapter 23

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 23! The Sexxy Dunes Desert!

OK, so Jeff, Paula, me, and Mistress Belch all went over to the drugstore in Dusty Dunes Desert and we GOT DRUGS (AN: Yah theyre underage WHAT OF IT!) We all had a great orgy in the store with the customers and the hot store clerk with BIG BOOBS AND WET PUSSY! I even took some girls virginity :D

We left and I began to feel very hot. So I pulled Paula's top off and squeezed her sexy sexy boobs! She moaned in pleasure as I felt her up :D "Oh fucking god ness! Please give it all to me!"

I used my PSI to pull her panties off from under her dress and began to screw her standing up!Her pussy was so creamy and covered my cock in her warm, wet juices! We played with each others tongues as we screwed and fucked! We got all seweaty and covered in semen, which cooled us down immensely.

Eventually we made it to a place where there was a digging site going on! There was a hawt sexy digger with a huge dick there!

"Hi I'm a miner." he said.

"Oh hey we're minors too!" we said.

"Ohhoho, wordplay LOL" he said. "Hey, if u guys are good guys, I'll give you something good later on!"

"Okay!" I said. "We are good guys! I'm a democrat and a liberal, and I hate republican christians and jews and their republican god (lol thanks 2 Guest for asking me to say that!). Satan is god and satanists, atheists, moslems, and anyone who thinks xtainsa re bad are good gues too! Religion is evil and the xtain god is into creationism and is a repiblican. Evolution is the only scientific way the unverse could have been created."

"Wow, u really ARE a good guy! okay, I'll give you something great later on in the fanfic LOL (LOL i broke the forth wall XDDD)"

So we continued on, being cooled off by all the semen.


	24. Chapter 24

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 24! We Take A Gamble!

(AN: did you know that xristians are againts gambling and drinking?! Theyre such assholes, am i right?!"

OK, so we kept walking and we found three guys like a slut machine (loll gettit?) They were spinning round and round liek a rceord wearing a cube on them and had a bunch of prizes to get if we got three pictures in a row.

So I took of my pants and maturbated to their spinning, then I bet OVER NINETHOUSAND dollars! (its an internet meme!)

They span and span around and then they landed on three pictures of DILDOS! So I got seventeen thousaand dollars in return and a hot chick! :D

"Hello my name is Slut Roulette!" She said sexually. She was wearing a red bikini and had black nailpolish and red lipstick and had piercings on her ears and nose and back and belly and pussy and eyebrows. "I hope you learned a valuable lesson today: Gambling is good, and taking a gamble is a great thing to do!"

So I fucked her doggiestyle!


	25. Chapter 25

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 25! Fourside!

(AN: Thanks to all the people in the comments who're giving me support, as well as all the people sending me messages and telling me how awesome I am! :D I'll keep writing this fanfic! :D)

SO we walked into the tunnel to Fourside and met some hookers in there. They all had huge tits and loved to give boobjobs! ^^

We got to the other side and saw the awesome city that is Fourside! :D I saw a flier for a strip club called the APollo Theater, so all of us (Ness, Paula, Jeff, and Mistress Belch) walked over there!

Mistress Belch was feeling hungry, so she ate a few people who rudely bumped into her. I fapped to it and creamed on a woman, making her pregnant.

"Omugosh how culd u maek me pregnant you bastard!" she telled at me!

"Fuck you, bitch. I'm a god and you're a cristian bitch" I told her.

"Oh my god you're right!" she said. "I promise to not be a cristian anymore and instead be an atheist!"

"YUSS" I shouted.

So we walked over to the Monopoly Building and walked in. We went in an elevator and saw a hot elevator lady! She had amazing hips and an epic ass!

"Please stop staring at my hips" she said. But she was pushing her butt closer to me!

"Wow you have an epic vagina!" I said!

"Y-you kids shouldn't talk like that..." she stumbled sexily. "T-that's grown-up talk!" But I stuck my fingers in her pussy and fingered her

"Ah!" she moaned in pleasure, taking my pants off and trying to give me a blowjob! She put her lips and tongue around my hard erection and I gave her an epic facial!

Finally, we got to the top floor!


	26. Chapter 26

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 25! Porkey!

(AN: FUCK YOU Angel of the Axis! You don't know what good fanfiction is, you fucking angel-loving xtain! I HOPE YOU BLEED AND BURN AND ROT! You should go to joyofsatan dot com and learn what angels really are is, bitch! Also, thanks Sexyygurl1111! I'll track you down and find your adress so we can screw! :D FUCK YOU ASHTON101LETSPLAYS I HOPE YOU GET FORCE-FED YOUR OWN GUTS!)

SO we finally got to the top floor after gang banging that elevator lady. We went inside the top floor of the room to see... PORKY BICH!

"Oh hai pig's butt" Porky said. He was fat as a pig and had a small, 4-inch cock that made everyone ashamed. "Ass u can see, I'm now a famous and rich person!"

"Fuck you," I said wisely.

"No, fuck you," he said stupidly, like a retard.

"No, Fuck you," I said wisely.

"No, fuck you," he said stupidly, like a retard.

"No, Fuck you," I said wisely.

"No, fuck you," he said stupidly, like a retard.

"No, Fuck you," I said wisely.

"No, fuck you," he said stupidly, like a retard. And then he had his machine-gun wielding guards kill us but we survived because we were DRUNK.

I killed all the guards with my metal chainsaw baseball bat, splattering their guts and blood everywhere.

"Noooo!" One of the guards shoulted "My name is Angel Oftheaxis and I don't want to die!"

"Too bad, butch!" I said, and then I megakilled him!

We left the building after roasting the corpses of the guards and stealing all the machine guns they had.


	27. Chapter 27

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 28! PAULA GETS KIDNAPPED!

(AN: Thank you, TheEpicChuggaaconroy! You're awesome too! :D Also, FUCK YOU YO FUCKING MAMA! PETA FAVED THIS STORY! Besides, it's to prove that ANGUS ISN'T A MARY SUE BECAUSE MARY SUES WOULDN'T DO THAT! He's NOT Perfect! MY VERSION OF NESS IS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT BECAUSE HE ISNT A MARY SUE! Also, Fuck You DIE! IM NOT DOING ANIMAL KILLING ANYMORE! I'm changing to XIAN AND REPUBLICAN KILLING BECAUSE IT'S BETTER! Also, FUCK YOU UFVKNP! My Spelling Is Great! Besides, your name is just a Bunch of random Letters! YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK! MY STORY IS FUCKING GOD! This story is AMAZING! Besides, you haven't even WRITTEN any stories so how could you know what a good story is! OF COURSE I KNOW ABOUT EARTHBOUND ITS MY FAVORATE GAME NEXT TO KINGDOM HEARTS CALL OF DUTY APOLLO JUSTICE AND A FEW OTHERS. so WHAT if this is a wet dream! Everyone has them! MY STORY IS COMPLETELY LOGICAL. You're just jealous that I have a fanfiction dot net account and you don't motherfucker :P I AM NOT JUST A TEENAGE PERV AND I'VE HAD SEX WITH LIKE FIFTY GIRLS AND WOMEN AND SOME MEN! I get laid ALL THE TIME! My parents let me do it with TONS of hot bitches! I GET SEX ALL THE TIME YOU VIRGIN! I HOPE YOU GET RAPED!)

SO after that we went to the department store to get stuff but it was CLOSED! So we broke in. A guy behind us shouted "Stop! I'm a guy who works at a church and stealing is wrong!"

"But we want this stuff! Isn't life about indulging in pleasure?"

"No! Life is a bout serving god and jesus"

"FUCK THEM!" We shouted and brutally killed the guy with our 10000 machine guns. However, we ran out of ammo when we killed him, so we stuffed the machine guns up his anus LOL

So we got inside and we saw the store was empty! No one was in there. So we walked around and we stole some important items that would make us nearly invincible.

Suddenly, PAULA WAS KIDNAPPED! Jeff, Mistress Belch, and Ness were left all alone. I took out my baseball bat and used PK DETECT XIANS to find who kidnapped her! We went upstairs to the top of the building and my PK DETECT XIANS worked! I could see there was a xian alien behind the door! I gave Mistress Belch rough and hard anal sex to power myself up before using all my sex powers to burst through the door! PSI power was glowing off of me as I raped the door down!

"Argh, you meddiling atheists! Don't go to heaven!" The xtain alien said before attacking us! I used my PSI powers to put up a reflective barrier shielding us from his powerful and dangerous xian powers. I said a satanic incantation and BLEW UP THE WHOLE BUILDING! But it was okay since we had taken everything from the store already and it was in our inventories LOL.

All of us landed on the ground gently because Satan let us. Paula was freed and back in our party. Also the cristian alien had died an explosive death and was disintegrated.

We just walked away from the explosion slowly because we're just badass.


	28. Chapter 28

EarthBound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 28! We go get rich!

SO after we blew up the building we went to the desert again. We saw a construction site going on and wanted to get stuff from the mine they found. We went into the mine and were attacked by GIANT BLUE MOLES!

"I'm the third best!" they all shouted before killing each other. So I revived them using my PSI powers because killing animals is wrong. Animals are just as good as people. Besides, we evolved from ancient animals so we're no more special than them!

The moles thanked us and gave us all the gold from the mine. Also they gave us a giant diamond and they also anal fucked us.


	29. Chapter 29

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 29! Venus gets the penis!

(AN: OKAY GUYS I HEARD YOUR COMMENTS AND I NOW HAVE A SPELLCHECKER! So STOP complaining that my spelling sucks! My story is GOD! Eww not like the Xian god but like good :P Also, this chapter is based on REAL LIFE EVENTS so you BETTER not complain about it!)

Okay, so we returned to Fourside and we were shoo horny! So we went to the Topolla theater and saw that there was a MEGA HOT PORN STAR there! We went inside and there was a guy there!

"May I have your ticket please?" He demanded xianly.

"No," I said wisely.

"You punk! I'll have to call security on your asses!" He shouted. "Plus, you're obviously underage!"

"Fuck you, I'm fifteen, so what?" I said wisely.

"I'll have to call security if you don't leave," he crudely adjusted. Suddenly, Venus walked into the room wearing lingerie!

"Hey, what's going on here?" Venus asked sexually.

"These underage kids want to see your strip show," he replied cruelly.

"Okay!" she interjected. "I'd love to show you my body!"

"WHAT?" The ticket guy asked. "But they're underage and that's illegal!"

"Only a republican would think that's illegal!" Venus replied angrily. "Fuck the law! The law is for conservatives! Us good, hard-working liberals don't need republican law! The world will work just fine without Christians!"

My dick got so hard when she said she hated republicans and Christians. She NOTCIED.

"Ooh, you're sooo hard!" She moaned, feeling my dick. "Hey, how about you stay after the show."

I gasped!

We went inside and sat down at our seat. Venus was on stage, stripping her clothes off and revealing her hot sexy boobs! She was pole dancing and making it wet with her pussy juice!

We were sitting at a table and suddenly, a waitress walked by! The waitresses were all horny and had huge boobs, even bigger than the girls at Hooters! (damn, I love that place! Huge boobs and great food! :D)

She looked at Paula, Jeff, and I (because mistress Belch was obviously an adult) and said, "Hey, are you kids old enough to watch this?"

"Fuck you!" I shouted. "You can watch porn at any age! Sex is a natural part of life!"

She called for security! "SECURITY! UNDERAGE KIDS ARE WATCHING THE STRIP SHOW!111" She shouted menacingly.

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights went back on. The security guards came.

"What's up?" the security guards asked. "What's going on?"

"These kids are UNDERAGE!11!" She cried.

"So?" The cop replied. "Underage kids watch porn all the time at home. Why should it be any different here?"

So the guards arrested the lady since she was causing a disturbance (which is actually illegal BTW, I looked it up.)

After the show, Venus invited me into her dressing room. She had huge tits and was skinny enough to look anorexic but wasn't because that's a disease and would look really creepy on a real woman (I looked that up too!)

She sat down beside me and put on a porn movie. It was awesome and there was TONS of sex and blood and guts and gore. Also there were huge penises, which I like.

"So, I hear you're an antichristian too," Venus whispered hornily.

"Yep!" I said naughtily. "I hear you're a democrat and a liberal!"

"Totally!" she roared hotly. "Christians are a nuisance. They don't even believe in the theory of evolution, despite the numerous repeated scientific evidences said by reputed scientists!"

"OMG Yeah!" I shouted. "And republicans only want the death of the American people. They voted to raise taxes so often, even though it's crippling our economy!"

"Oh my god you're making me SOO horny!" she whispered. She took my hands and moved them to her breasts. She let me feel them and they were as big as my head! I had never seen such big titties on a woman!

"Angus, please bone me," she muttered hornily.

"Okay! :D" I yelled, ripping her panties off and ramming my iron dick into her. She moaned and screamed in pleasure and made me want to cum inside her but I didn't immediately. Instead, I had sex with her for at least an hour before I came in her pussy, ass, mouth, and on her tits!

"AAAAAAAA" she screamed in pure, unending pleasure. "Yes! Angus! Good little boy! Let me be your slave! I'll serve you forever and ever!"

"Good girl!" I shouted! So we exited the theater, with Venus joining our team! Now, there was Ness, Paula, Jeff, Mistress Belch, and Venus.


	30. Chapter 30

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 30!

Ok, so Ness and Paula and Jeff and Mistress Belch and Venus and I were walking to the bar to get drunk. We walked inside and Sat down. Venus went to the counter to get us all drinks so we could get drunk. Suddenly, a loud noise was heard outside. Jeff and I walked out and we saw... MITT ROMNEY!

Mitt Romney was outside making a speech, and there were a bunch of Republicans bowing to him (since they all act like he's a god) and listening to his dumbass speech. Suddenly, BARACK OBAMA flew in on a helicopter!

"Mitt Romney?! I thought I killed you!" Obama said to the idiot.

"You didn't try hard enough," Mitt Romney said before continuing his dumbass speech. Obama bitch slapped him because he's a bitch.

"Obama! You rock!" We shouted. Suddenly, a republican tripped me because I supported Obama. I stabbed his eyeballs out and then cut his tongue out and then opened his head and stabbed out the parts of his brain that allow senses. Then I face fucked him.

Suddenly the cops came and tried to arrest me... but OBAMA LET ME GO FREE!

"The police almost acted stupidly again, but then I saved you," he said. "Children shouldn't be arrested!" he shouted to the cops. "That's against the law!" (I looked that up too!) "If you arrest this child, you'd be violating the freedom of speech!"

"OMG he's right!" so they ran away before being incinerated by Satan. We went back inside the bar and Venus had drinks for us!


	31. Chapter 31

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 31! Moonside!

Ok, so we got drunk and were sitting at the table, laughing mad. Mistress Belch was letting Paula suck her tits like a baby and Jeff was boning her ass. His dick was so red from all the fun he was having. He never got to have sex where he used to live, and now that he had it, he never wanted to give it up.

Venus and I wanted to go to the back of the bar so we could have ultra-raunchy sex using our dark powers of PSI and Satanism (AN: Go to joyofsatan. com!). We walked through a door and then we appeared in... AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION!

"Hello, welcome to Moonside," A guy said before pulling his dick out. I gave him a mega handjob before pulling his dick off and killing him with it.

"OMG so hot..." Venus said seductively. "I love underage kids..." she moaned.

"Awesome!" I shooted. "So, you're a pedophile? LOL"

"LOL no, I'm a girl so I can't be!" she said happily.

"LOL right," I said naughtily. We walked all over and went into a hotel where we got raped by an invisible guy. He taught us a powerful summoning spell when we were done having sex, but he said we couldn't use it in Moonside.

So we went outside and there was a guy guarding a statue! I shot him with my magic lust arrows that Eros gave me. He fell in love with Venus and the two had sex while I walked up to the statue.

"NESS! I HAVE MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU!" He shouted roughly. Suddenly... I DISAPPEARED!


	32. Chapter 32

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 32! The Vision!

Ok, so I were suddenly teleported into a dimension where a statue of a demon with a really big dick appeared. "Greetings, Ness. I am the Sexi Sexi Statue. I have been sent here by Giygas, goddess of hot and sex. She sent me to show you what true power is. Suddenly... I LEARD PK FUCK!

"This move will turn all non-horny girls into girls that want to fuck. This move will even work on Christians, making them horny and want to have sex and make their brains work."

"AWESOME! I sexclaimed (lol gettit?)

And then the demon statue and I HAD SEX. I was buttfucked and he sucked my cock.


	33. Chapter 33

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 33! The Vision!

The Sexi Sexi statue continued telling me all about power and PSI.

"You see, millions of years ago, Satan decided to give the power of PSI to the still-evolving man so they could fight the Christians. PSI is strengthened by cussing, drinking, fucking, and having fun, all of which Christians hate. So, as long as you fight using what Christians hate, your PSI powers will become stronger."

"AWESOME!" I explained.

He proceeded to show me a hot picture of Giygas, who was in a bikini. Her boobs were huge and her pussy was heavenly! I fapped to her and I came all over the picture that was actually a hologram.

"Satan has given you amazing power to fight God and his stupid fucking Christians. Now, go and fuck to your heart's content!"

Suddenly... I disappeared again! I reappeared in the Bar in the back room, but... VENUS WAS MISSING!11111!


	34. Chapter 34

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 33! VENUS WAS MISSING!

VENUS WAS MISSING!1!

I rushed out of the room and got Paula and Jeff and Mistress Belch and ran out of the Bar. "Venus is missing!" I exclaimed loudly.

"OMG NOOO!" They shouted profusely.

We ran to the Monopoly building and went inside. The hot elevator lady was there, and she was bustier than before! She pulled up her top and gave me a boobjob. I came all over her face.

We got to the top floor and ran into Porky's room, where... HE WAS RAPING VENUS! "Help me!" Venus shouted.

Porky's duck was so small (only 4 inches!) and he was also fat and hairy and 15. He wasn't giving Venus good sex at all!

I cast the summoning spell I was taught earlier and suddenly... APHRODITE APPEARED! She was naked and had an aura of hot sex all around her! She used her powers to make Venus' tits bigger, my dick twice its size, and Porky's dick half its size! Also, Porky was launched out of the building and died on some rocks, his head cracked open.

Venus put her big boobs to my mouth and I sucked them, rubbing her pussy with my long ass dick. She moaned and screamed my name "ANGUS! NESS! NESS!" She screamed as she creamed (LOL).

We went downstairs and saw... a hot, sexy maid in a purple maid outfit!


	35. Chapter 35

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 35! VENUS WAS MISSING!

The hot maid looked at me. She smiled cutely with her pink lips. She was wearing a purple maid outfit and she had good-sized tits. I asked her for sex!

"Hm... SURE! But I need you to get me a trout-flavored yogurt machine first!" She said naughtily. (AN: What's trout? Please fucking tell me thanks!)

I fired my Bow and Arrows of Lust at her boobs and she kissed me on my lips! We French kissed epically and I felt her big boobs (DD Cups ^^). She giggled cutely. "LOL You're a very sexy boy," she said.

"Yep!" I explained. "I'm 15"

"WOW! I'm 15 too!" she said. "We should have some great sex together!"

"Yep!" I said before pulling my dick out. She pulled her boobs out like Beezy Bailey in this gif ( .com) I got titty fucked by her and she gave me a mega blowjob. I came all over her delicate face.

"WOW UR SO HOT!" she explained. "I wanna drink your cum!" she yelled out loudly and louder than any human ever. We had such hardcore sex that the building collapsed! SO we went to Burger King and had sex there and then we went to Chick-fil-a and put a bomb in the building called the MEGA NUKE! We ran out of Fourside and watched the whole city explode!


	36. Chapter 36

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 36: We Return To Threed!

(AN: FUCK YOU NABOO! MY STORY IS FUCKING EPIC! Besides, you can't arrest me for having a AWESOME FUCKING STORY! The cops won't do shit to me! They'd probably just start fapping to the hawt sexx scenes! FUCK YOU! Also, POLICE! You're pretending to be a cop which is illegal and can get YOU arrested! I KNOW YOU NEVER CALLED THE COPS! ALL THREE OF YOU ARE THE SAME PERSON! FUCK YOU UP YOUR MOTHEREFFING ASSES! ILL NEVER COME TO CHRIST YOU PIECES OF SHIT! FUCK YOUR GOD! Also, PLEASE make a TvTropes page for this fanfic! :D)

OK, SO me and Paula and Jeff and Mistress Belch and Venus and the cute maid girl with the southern accent decided to steal some band's bus (they were a Xian band so it was okay) and went back to Threek. We went to an underground cave and found... A BUNCH OF XIANS THERE! They were breaking Jeff's Skyrunner because Xians don't believe in scients.

"We must destroy this machine!" One of the xians said. "It is not natural and against god!"

"FUCK YOU!" I shouted, and Jeff began shooting the living crap out of them, then raping their corpses. Paula used PK Fire Omega on their corpses and they were killed forever and Satan now tortures their souls because they were Xians and Xians suck monkey balls.

Jeff began fixing it using his science smarts (because he is an atheist and loves Steven Hawkins and not Jesus because he is smart and believes in science not alien shit magic).

We got inside the machine and began going to... WINTERS! Which is Jeff's hometown. Dr. Andonuts was there in his lab so we went in and had an orgy. His dick was huge and he loved Paula's panties. We all gave him a blowjob AT THE SAME TIME!

Suddenly... PORKY MINCH CAME!


	37. Chapter 37

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 37: Porky Minch Returns!

(AN: )

Okay, so Pokey Minch suddenly appeared inside the lab while we were having a super science orgy! He laughed evilly. "MUAHAHA! I, Pokey, have decided to become a Xian (there's no way in HELL I'm writing that) and worship Jesus!"

"Fuck you!" I shouted.

"Xians aren't supposed to swear! it says so in the bible."

"No it doesn't asshole!"

"It also says that Jesus was the baby of a virgin"

"LOL NO! That's not possible!" Jeff shooted. "Most scientists agree that he was probably born when his mom was raped by a roman soldier."

"Yeah, but Jesus was definitely a virgin LOL."

Pokey suddenly pulled out a NUCLEAR WARHEAD! "Since I'm a Xian, I'm gonna blow this place to the ground like an abortion clinic!"

"YOU BASTARD!" Paula shouted!

"Abortions are against god! You are against God! This, I shall kill you all!"

Suddenly, Venus Mistress Belch and the cute girl pulled out guns and shot at him! He dodged ALL THE BULLETS! ALL OF THEM!

"Muahahahaha!" Pokey shouted. "May god kill you all!" And then he brought out a gun and SHOT THE CUTE GIRL WITH THE SOUTHERN ACCENT!"

"Oh no!" she shouted. "Ness! I-I-I... but it was too late!

"Muahahahaha!" Pokey shouted. "My lord! I have killed your enemies!"

"Not on my watch!" Jeff shouted before firing a gun at Pokey...'s NUKE!

The nuke exploded, making the entire country of Winters into a giant, radioactive crater!

?


	38. Chapter 38

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 38: Pokey Dies!

Okay, so When I woke up, I was in a sanctuary called Rainy Circle. There was rain coming onto only one puddle but no where else. Suddenly, I realized I WAS ALONE! I looked around and saw nobody around. Suddenly, I felt someone sucking my iron dick! IT WAS VENUS!

"Ness, she said lustfully, "Mistress Belch and the southern girl are dead. Paula and Jeff are still alive but missing. Please cum in my mouth Ness! So I did.

"OH NESS! SO MUCH CUM!" she moaned. Suddenly, Pokey appeared again! "Ness! I have returned!"

"Pokey!"

"Ness, you are a fool! God will crush you to pieces!"

"THERE IS NO GOD!" I shouted before slicing my sword through his heart. "BUT THERE IS A DEVIL. AND THAT'S ME."

Suddenly, POKEY EXPLODED, making an even deeper crater where Winters was!


	39. Chapter 39

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 39: Pokey Dies!

(AN: YESS SEXXYGURL I DO WANT YU! My address is 508 South Franklin street and my name is Angus Christopher Tanner (I fucking NATE that middle name! I wish it was something like Satan or Hellfire or Asmodeus or Robert :P)

Okay, so Pokey exploded and Venus and I and Paula and Jeff all woke up in a beach resort called Summers. Mistress Belch was giving me a blowjob to wake me up. :You Awake" she began."The hot sexy sweet southern girl is dead. Pokey Bitch has killed her. (AN: I know his real last name is minch but Its bunnier like this LOL.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" I screamed and shouted. "I shall MURDER Pokey!" So I gou my corpsetana and by metal baseball bat and my arrows of lust and my Ocarina of Lust and went to a club called the Stoic Club.

The place was a big restaurant for scientists and antheists! I sat down and began talking to them.

"Xristianity is not true because how did Cain have a wife?"

"Well maybe it was a sister!" a Xtristian who snuck in said.

"Ya right the babble (lol I mean bible XD) never says adam and steve had daughters. It only mentions cain and abel."

"Nooooooo! You have defeated me!" The Xtian shouted before exploding into piles of shit. The waitress cleaned it up.

"Wow, you did great!" an Atheist teacher told me. "Those Xtians are worse than terrorists, amirite?"

"LOL they ARE terrorists! The boston bombing happened because of two rightwing Christian nutjobs LOL)

"OMG You're so right! :D" So we hifived and suddenly, POKEY BROKE IN!

Pokey bitch had a bomb on him because he was a cristian and cristians are terrorists! Adolf Hitler was a Xristian!

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NESS! YOU CANYT STIOP ME! I am now the ULTIMATE BIBLE THUMEPER!"

"You're an asshole!" Steven Hawkins shouted before turning his wheelchair into a TRANSFORMER (AN: Transformers sucks and so does Mikal Bay!) Steven Hawkins killed Pokey and everyone cheered because Pokey was a fundamentalist xtian and was a rapist and sexist and a racist and an animal and child abuser who ate babies and stopped abortions.


	40. Chapter 40

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 40: !

(AN: UMMM... OK GUYS I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHIN. 1st of all, the address I sent was a fake. I dint actually trust dat sexxyguil butch. so I put a fake address up. BUT! Some guy named Carlo Darksomething came 2 my door and asked for me! He said if I dint stop bashing Xian's he's turn me into a computer program! LOL Such a retard amirite? I otta kill him if he ever cums back! Still its weird though how he gut my address when I never posted it? Oh BTW, FUCK YOU FLAMER BITCHES ASSHOLES! I otta kill all of you 2!)

Okay, so after killing Pokey and stuff we went outside and meta hot milf who offered us cake!

"YESS I WNAT CAKE!" said I and I ate it. Suiddenly, I was drugged! :D I dreamed aboot a guy with a huuuuuuge duck and awespome epic penis.! So I wanted to have sex with him. Suddenly, he went to the top of a giuant mountain and said "demons O am here!"

Suddenly, a demon god appeared! He told the guy named Poo that he wanted to break all of his body and mind and stuff when he died. Poo was all like, "lol no!" and then he stabbed the demon god with the SWORD OF KINGS, which is not as strong as the corpsetana but still pretty fucking epic.

Suddenly, I woke up on the bich and seven women were all around me and poo and jeff and paula and mistress belch and Angus and Venus. They were eating the girls out and sucking on my dick! I came inside all their holes! EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Suddenly, POO APPEARED! Poo fapped to us and came all over our whole bodies! All of us sucked on his dick and were penetrated fervously. Suddenly, Poo bowed down to me!

"Master Ness, I am your humble servent. Call me Poo. I am here to serve you with my powers and my body."

"Awesome but how powerful are you?" asked.

"I shall show you!" suddenly, he used PK... STARSHORM! Stars began falling all around us and destroyed all of Summers, especially the places were conservatives and cristians were.

And then a guy named Carlo came by! "Angus you better stop killing off us xtains or imam make you into a computer program!"

"Fuck you!" I said before stabbing his heart out with my corpsetana and my bow and arrows of lust and my ocarina of lust and poos sword of kings and Jeff's guns and Paula's frying pans of door and Venus' boobs and Mistress Belch's ass. And then Carlo was disintegrate.


	41. Chapter 41

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 41: !

(AN: DUCK YOU ALL! You fucking ass holes should DIE in a HOLE for how you act! first of all, SATANISM IS NOT ILLEGAL! The cops aren't reading this and if they were, they'd be fapping all over the fucking place! The cops can't arrest me for writing a fanfuc! LEARN LAW, YOU ASSHOLE CHRISTANS! I CUNT BELIEVE YOU CRISTANS ALWAYS FLAMMING ME! I AUGHTA KILL YOU ALL AND RAPE YOUR CARCASSES! FUCKYOU U CAN"T CURSE ME 2 HELL! I LOVE HELL, YO DCUKING FUCKING FUCKERS! EVERYONE WILL GO TO HELL WHEN THEY DIE AND THATS OKAY WITH ME BECAUSE SATAN WILL ACCEPT THOSE WHO HAVE FUN AND ANALRAPE THOSE RELIGIOUS NUTJOBS who refuse to let other people have fun1 GOD DOESNT FUCKING EXIST! And if he did, he's an asshole, amirite? CRISTIANITY IS FOR RELIGIOUS FINDAMELTALIST NUTJOB RIGHT WING TEABAGGERS WHO NEED A FUCKING LIFE!)

Okay, so we decided to go to a museum to look at hot babes and guys but there was a REPUBLICAN GUARD in our fucking way! Poo threw a ruby at his dead and he ran away crying to his mama. So we walked into the room and... MUMMIES CAME OUT OF THEIR DOOM! They attacked us, so I used PSI ULTRA FUCKING and raped them all to death!

The museum leader guy cam e in and said "Thanks a ton! You got rid of a republican and the evil mummies in our museum! We thank you eternally!

"No prob!" we all said sexually, before giving the guy a BJ out of kindness

Poo read the hieroglyphs and they said that there was something in Scaraba, so we left.

The secretary of the museam stopped is. "OMG You're a hoy black kid!" she said about poo.

"LOL yes" poo replied before pulling his pants down to reveal his long hard black dick, which we all pleasured.


	42. Chapter 42

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 42: WE KILL CHRISTIANS!

(AN: Sry guys I haven't been on! That Carlo guy kidnapped me but don't worry I'm ok. Now, we continue with the story! Also, BTW, I'd like to give a FUCKING BIT SHOUTOUT 2 Smash619! He's an atheist which means he's a hell of a lot smarter than ANY of you Xtian flamers! Thanks for saying that Satanism's okay, Smash619! U RAWK! Also, my hot GF posted the last chapter just so ya know. I missed fucking her wet cunt while I was gone ^^)

Okay, so we left the museum and saw... A GROUP OF REPUBLICANS OUTSIDE THE MUSEUM. They were protesting the new law that makes homosexuals legal to marry.

"OMG You fuckers!" I shouted. "Gays should be allowed to fuck!" So I shot a rainbow of gay at them using my PSI powers. Suddenly one of the Christians in the crowd exploded! His blood and guts flew all over.

"OH NO!" They shouted. "YOU KILLED HIM! HOW COULD YOU!"

"Because he was infringing on American rights to fuck!" I replied, before shooting them all with my corpsetana.

"But killing is illegal!"

"You're all fucking Christians! Besides, you want homosexuals and abortion to be illegal! Killing Christians is fine by me! All Christians should be shot in the street anyway! CHRISTIANS ARE WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!"

So Ness, Paula, Jeff, Poo, Mistress Belch, Venus decided to go to the Foreside museum.


	43. Chapter 43

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 43: CHRISTIANS DONT BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION!

Okay, so we all went to the Dinosaur Museum in Foreside. There were EVEN MORE REPUBLICAN RIGHT WING CHRISTIAN TEABAGGERS inside! They were protesting the dinosaur museum because Christians don't believe in dinosaurs, don't believe in evolution, and think that just because scientists date fossils by the rock layers they are found in and rock layers by the fossils found in them, it somehow creates a time paradox. (AN: THIS IS ALL TRUE! CHRISTIANS ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS CRAP!)

So we saw a guy near the end guarding a door. "I CUNT LET YOU COME IN UNLESS YOU HAVE VENUS" he said.

Then Venus took off her clothes and make out with the guy while rubbing his dick. "I like your banana," she said, making him cum. Then he sucked her boobs and she took off his shirt. Then she took off his pants to see... HE HAD A SMALL PENIS!

"OMG Your dick is FOUR INCHES!?" Venus shouted, and everyone in the museum laughed except the Christians because they had small dicks too (Because all Xian's have small penises. TRUE STORY :P Also, Christians can never have sex because the Christian god doesn't like it but it doesn't matter because he doesn't exist.)

Venus took out a whip and killed the guy with it. We opened the door and found a hole into the sewers. So we stuffed all the republican conservative Christians into the hole and made them eat all the sewer stuff so we could get the next sanctuary.

We got out of the sewer and saw a giant magnetic rock! We all decided to cover it in out cum, so we did. Also, I got the power from Magnet Hill into my sound stone.


	44. Chapter 44

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 44: We fuck bunny girls and storm gods!

(AN: Fuck the republicans, guys.)

Okay, so Poo decided that we should go to Da laam so we could get laid my the magical girls there, so we did. We teleported to Da laam and met some hawt girls wit big boobs under their sweaters or kimionos or whatever. They gave us boobjobs and blowjobs and made out with us while we fucked.

We went over to the cave and saw three hot bunny girls! They had big boobs and wet pussies and BDSM gear. They wore leather on their whole body and we could see their boobs through it and they were huge. They worshipped my hard dick and pleasured me greatly.

We went inside the cave, Ness, Mistress Belch, Venus, Paula, Poo, and Jeff did. We fought evil storm angels and raped them.

Suddenly, we exited the cave and were walking on a giant purple cloud! There was a cloud goddess and a storm goddess intertwined, having lesbian sex! I went over to them and we had a threesome. They both loved my hard, 11' dick.

Suddenly, they turned into magic and possessed Mistress Belch and Venus, turning them into MEGA STORM GODDESSES! So we had an orgy with everyone in Da laam and I got three girls pregnant and I got the melody of the sanctuary.

(AN: Sry for the short chapter, but I have a TON of homework...)


	45. Chapter 45

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 45:

Okay, so I like got a vision of my mom when she was younger after absorbing the melody of the sanctuary into my sound stone. She used to be a hot BDSM supermodel with huge tits and a great vagina! She used to steal boys' virginity and make them feel amazing! But then I saw an republican take her to a church and brainwash her with Christianity! I got really mad then and decided to destroy all Christians it the world! They would pay for turning my mom over to their dark side!

We teleported to Summers and found a ship captain. "I'll let you kids get on this ship for eighty dollars... or for free if you give me a blowjob." So I gave him the best goddamn blowjob that has ever happened in the world, but forced him to drink his own cum instead.

We got on the boat and began sailing for seven weeks. A demonic Kraken came along, which I tamed using PSI Hypnosis. Finally, we all got to Scaraba.

Suddenly, the ship captain trapped us in rope! "AHAHAHAHAHA! I BET U DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS A CHRISTIAN!"

"What?!" we all shouted.

"Yep, that's right! I'm a Christian, and I just pretended to want a blowjob, since Christians hate having fun during sex!"

"OH MY GOD!" we screamed, and he beat us because we "blasfeemed," whatever that means.

We woke up trapped in a house in Scaraba. The ship captain was right in front of us. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You see, I am a preacher of a church and I am gonna kill you all because God wants non-Christians dead! (lol not even kidding! That's in the bible, or "BABBLE" more like it! LOL!)

"You evil man!" Venus screamed. "You Christians should be ashamed!"

"Yah, rigt, you and what army" the ship captain Christian explained.

"This army" said a voice from behind him. It was a hot muslim guy, who stabbed the Christian in the heart.

"Allah ackbar, bitch," he exclaimed.

"OMG thank you for saving us," we all shouted.

"No problem," he said, freeing us. "May Allah bless you."

"Thanks!" we said before leaving.


	46. Chapter 46

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 46:

Okay, so we walked through the desert, Paula using her PSI powers to cool us down and get me horny. We came across a sphinx and five buttons in front of it. Using my occult knowledge, we made a pentagram shape in front of it to appease the gods. The sphinx opened up.

"Excellent, Chosen Ones. You have opened me, and for that, you must be blessed with great knowledge." the sphinx said. "All religions and belief systems are valid. Only Christianity is not because they threaten the balance of good and evil. They believe in absolute truth, and that they are the only ones right. They believe that a dead guy is God or something, and that he was a carpenter of all things. Their close-mindedness threatens the very fabric of the world. If they are ever removed from the world, then the world will be perfect again. All religions will be at peace, and good and evil will remain balanced once again."

So we walked into the pyramid after learning this.

We travelled through the pyramid and found a old casket. "Hey, Ness," everyone said. "Wanna fuck in front of this casket?"

"LOL Okay," I replied, and everyone (Mistress Belch, Venus, Paula, Jeff, Poo, and Ness) fucked me hard and gave me the best fucking ever. I came in every one of their holes and I was still hard as a rock.

Suddenly, as I fucked all of them, the casket opened! "Wow!" Jeff exclaimed. "It seems that the casket responded to sexual brain waves in the air, and all of our sexual energy caused it to open up! Prodigious!"

We all walked into the casket, and there were stairs leading down. At the bottom was a sarcophagus. Suddenly, the sarcophagus opened, and a giant monster appeared.

Venus and Mistress Belch ripped their clothes off, revealing their perfect bodies, and they began to have hot lesbian sex! Their newfound storm goddess powers combined and created a superstorm indoors! The monster was killed and we continued on, but not before the two gave be a double boobjob.


	47. Chapter 47

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 47! We Rest in the Pyramid!

(AN: I gut some constructive criticism from a few friends of mine frim school! He said that the chars aren't developed enough and I should fix dat. He said we don't know their backstories enough, so I'm gonna fix sdat. Hope this helps your enjoyment! :D )

Okay, so, we decided to sit down in the pyramid after defeating the boss.

"So, wanna talk?" asked Paula.

"Sure!" Everyone replied.

"Let's have Ness go first," Venus said with her boobs bouncing.

"Ok, so, my name is Ness Nintendo Jr.. I used to live in Onett in Eangleland. My parents were killed by an attack by terrorist Xians, so I was raised by bisexual Satanists. They taught me how to fight for good and destroy evil. They were the 1s who taught me magic and how to use PSI powers. I own everything to them... I wish I could see them again and thank them in person, but they were killed in 9/11 when terrorists blew up the twin towers. The Xians blamed the attack on the Muslims, but we've seen how good the Muslims really are; they saved us. Just goes to show how evil the Christians really are when they'd lie about something like that. Paula, you're turn."

"Okay," Paula said, removing her sandy shoes so I could see her amazing, well-formed feet and polished, red toenails glittering. She used her PSI to make no sand on her amazingly perfect feet. "Well, my full name is Paula Pornstar. I lived in Tucson, Eagleland, before my parents sold me into slavery with the Happy Happiests. Little did they know, though, that the Happy Happyests were actually a good cult. Ness saved me, killed by parents, and freed me from the Christian jail in the woods where Pokey trapped us. Jeff, you're turn."

"Okay," jeff replied. "My name is Jeff Andoughnuts. I lived in Winters, Foggyland, with my gay boyfriend Tony. He was persecuted for being gay by dumb Xians. He helped me escape the school because I got a vision from Satan that I needed to save Ness and Paula. I met my dad, Dr. Andonuts, and he gave me the Skywalker, a flying machine that helped me break Ness and Paula from their prison where they were imprisoned by republicans. Oh, I mean zombies, but really what's the difference?"

"LOL," Mistress Belch giggled. "Well, I'll go next. I'm Mistress Belch, and I was created by Giygas's influence as a shape-shifting monster. I was made to stop the Christians from taking over the world with their man-made religion."

"Those Crhsitians are so evil, amirite?" Angus replied enthusiasticly.

"Yeah!" everyone shouted.

Venus took off her shoes to reveal her pair of soft, smooth feet, perfectly shaped and sized, and her glistening, purple painted toenails. "Personally," she began wisely and lovingly, "I'm amazed that Xians think Satanism is evil, when in reality, it's a religion built on just being yourself, letting who you truly are take hold instead of the customs of the Xians. It's a religion of peace, free love, and a desire to be just ourselves. It's a religion built on human nature. Every religion is valid and a path to truth; why can't Satanism be one?"

"Agreed!" everyone agreed.

"Ness and I heard a prophecy from one of Satan's minions that Satan would one day take out all the Xians!" Paula said. "One day, all the biblethumpers in the world will disappear, and only the good people will remain!"

"That sounds awesome!" Mistress Belch said.

"Yeah!" Venus exclaimed. "I was almost raped by a Christian once, but someone saved me."

"Really?! Who?!"

"Steven Hawkins."

We all gasped.

"Yep. He used his logic to prove that God wasn't real and that Juesus was a muyth and that rape is bad, so the Christian died right there from overexposure to intelligence. LOL!"

"LOL, nice one!" I said.

"Christians think rape is a good thing. It says so in the bible," Venus said. "It also says you should kill non-Christians and rape their corpses (and not even in the good way!)"

"Gasp!" we all gasped. "The bible is so full of lies and evil!"

"You'd be amazed..." Venus said. "Christians even killed by parents in the name of God. They burned them for being atheists, burned our house down, and evne destroyed our copy of Grand Theft Auto V!"

"THOSE MONSTERS!" Paula shoutd.

"The Christians also killed my family," Poo said. "They stormed Balaam and murdered by whole family, as well as stole my Sword of Kings. Fortunately, I know where it is."

"Excellent!" we all shouted, before getting up.


	48. Chapter 48

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 48! We find the Hawk Eye!

(AN: Special thankx to my friend Hades (really his name LOL) for the help in the last chapter! You rock! Also, special thanks to my gf Annie for bringing the condoms last night... I feel so embarrassed! XD)

Okay, so we walked into the next room and found a pedestal with a eye-shaped gem on it.

"This must be the Hawk Eye spoken of in legend!" Poo exclaimed. "It allows anyone to see, even in the deepest darkness. It can also reveal the evil of republicans, conservatives, and xians."

"Awesome!" I exclaimed. "If we had that, we could expose the evil of xianity to the world!"

"I know," Poo replied wisely before taking it. "Soon, the world will see what evils the Christians truly are."

Suddenly, the pyramid began to shake!

"It's collapsing!" The girls all shouted before Poo teleported us out of there. Upon teleporting out of the collapsing pyramid, an old man appeared in front of us.

"Greetings, Poo," the old man said. "I am your father."

"WHAT?!" Poo exclaimed. "But... YOU'RE DEAD!"

"Satan has revived me to teach you the way of the Starstorm, a powerful PSI move that will destroy all enemies you have."

"Okay," Poo replied, going with the old man into a portal of light.


	49. Chapter 49

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 49! Enterning the Deep Darkness!

(AN: SHUT UP YOU FUCKING FLAMERS! MY STORY IS GODLIKE AND EPIC! YOUR ALL JUST JEALOUS! But I have mny fans and they love my art!1! IF ONLY RELIGION WAS ABOLISHED, THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE AT PEACE AND THERE WOULD BE NO FUCKING FLAMERS!)

Okay, so Poo had left our party, almost taking the Hawk Eye with him but giving it to Mistress Belch before he left. The Star Master had taken him to train him, and now we were going to buy things from a dealer in the desert. He had given Paula a French Fry Pan (which was super powerful and could make French fires ^^); Jeff got a bunch of Multi Bottle Rockets that could destroy bosses easily; Ness gave all of his weapons to the dealer and forged them into the Sugna Bat, a combination of the Lightsaber Chainsaw Bat and the Corpse-tana with a bazooka and a grenade launcher; Mistress Belch got a magic amulet that allowed her to unite any religion that was not Christian (because Christians are too stubborn and hard-headed to compromise on anything); and Venus got a magic ritual knife that could SUMMON THE POWER OF THE HEAVENS.

So we walked along and we found a giant tower that looked like a human. We went inside and climbed to the top, using my Sugna Bat to annihilate anything that dared to attack my friends. When we got to the top, we found that the entire tower was BRICK ROAD!

Brick Road was a guy that Jeff knew and was friends with, and now he became DUNGEONMAN, a giant dungeon of doom! We rode inside of Dungeonman and crushed tons of palm trees before submerging in water, Dungeonman transforming into his Super Dungeonman Submarine Mode and destroying dozens of Krakens with his huge fists!

Finally, we rose back on land, in a dark swamp. The swamp was too dark, so Mistress Belch tried to use the Hawk Eye to release light.

It didn't release the light we hoped to release. Instead, the Hawk Eye's Holy light surrounded Mistress Belch, transforming her into the very embodiment of Christian hate!

She was now evil beyond words.


	50. Miss Fortune's Chapter

Earthbound: My Version TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 50! Everything Changes...

(HN: Greetings and salutations, ladies and gentlemen! This is not Angus [thank Giygas], but rather a... friend. Call me Miss Fortune. I may disclose my true identity at a later time, but let me assure you, I'm on your side. I know Angus' password [it _was_ "password" -_-] and, now that he and his parents will be gone for a week, I'm free to take over this fanfiction. Also, feel free to ask me ANY questions about Angus, his family and friends, or this fanfic; I'll answer any questions in the next chapter, but ask quickly!)

Okay, so, when we last left our "heroes", they were about to be attacked and destroyed by the now-evil Mistress Belch, possessed by all the hate of Christians in the world.

However, this was her downfall. Without any hate remaining in the hearts of Christians worldwide, the light of God shone in their hearts and annihilated the evil in Mistress Belch, who was now disintegrated.

Angus cried in agony, frantically trying to hump her ashes in the vain attempt at getting sexual satisfaction, but it was in vain.

The same light came into Paula, Jeff, and Venus, who were freed from Angus' influence.

"WHAT?" exclaimed Angus in utter shock. "BUT... HOW?"

Suddenly, Poo appeared from the skies. "Your crimes are finished, Angus Tanner!"

"No... NOOO!"

Poo raised his arms to the heavens, shouting as loud as he could. "PK... STARSTOOORM!"

The earth shook as the spoke, and the stars rained from the heavens, hitting only Angus.

"No!" Paula shouted. "Stop! You'll hurt Ness!"

"No, Paula," Poo said. "No. This will only hurt Angus. Ness will not feel a thing. Well, maybe in the morning, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

"That's kinda out-of-character for you," Jeff commented.

"You and Paula were having sexual intercourse earlier. Don't talk to me about being out-of-character."

Paula and Jeff glanced at each other awkwardly as Angus was attacked by the barrage of falling stars, which was only now ending.

"D-do you..." Angus said, trying to stand up. "Do you think you've won?" he muttered, before transforming into a more powerful form, a more evil form: an undulating red spiral that looked like a screaming face.

Angus was now Giygas.

The four looked upon this new form in horror as it spread across not only Deep Darkness, but the entire world. Angus' evil was too much to be sealed in the body of Ness; it was now consuming the world.

"We will stop you," Poo said simply.

"No..." Paula muttered, getting to her knees. "No... we can't." Paula bowed her head as tears rolled down her face. "_We_ can't."

The other three followed suit and began to pray.

"NO..." Angus shouted. "STOP! STOP... STOP F*CKING PRAYING!"

* * *

><p><em>Take a melody... Simple as can be...<em>

_Give it some words and sweet harmony..._

_Raise your voices_

_All day long, sweet love grows strong now_

_Take a melody of love_

_Oh, love..._

* * *

><p>The music, the song carried over the entire world, sung by the people now being freed from Angus' influence. They sang and they prayed, their hope and faith becoming light that guided the world.<p>

"I... I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Angus screamed. "I WILL CRUSH CHRISTIANITY! RELIGION! REPUBLICANS AND CONSERVATIVES! I WILL DESTROY THIS HOPE, THIS FAITH, THIS GODDAMNED LIGHT!"

But the song and the prayer continued. Angus used his inconceivable power, his ability to control the fanfiction, to crush the four who stood before him, but they would never stop their prayer. Their faith would not protect their bodies, but it would certainly protect their souls.

"N-NO... THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING... NOOOOO!"

Angus' darkness faded from the skies, now separated from the body of Ness, who lay sprawled out on the ground, crying.

Paula rushed to Ness' side. "Ness!" she cried, holding him in her arms. "Ness... Ness..."

"Paula... I'm so, so sorry..." Ness said, his voice sounding pained.

"Shh, shh, don't talk. It was all just a bad dream."

"No," Jeff said, looking in the distance. "It wasn't just a dream."

Ness and Paula looked to where Jeff was now pointing. Angus, in his true form, was now visible; a handsome, but evil, young boy.

"You monster," Paula cried out.

"Me?" Angus asked, defensively. "I only wanted to show the world that religion was wrong, the Christians were evil, and conservatism was a flawed system. How did I physically hurt anyone?"

Paula motioned towards the battered and bruised bodies of everyone present.

"Ah. Yeah. Whoops," Angus said. "Um, see... the thing about that is-" and he ran off in the other direction.

Paula, Jeff, Poo, and Venus tried to rush after him.

"No," Ness said. "Don't. He's nothing now; just a weak boy who can't hurt anyone. It was just a fanfiction, after all," he said, smiling. "Now, come on. Since Angus never finished the story, Giygas doesn't exist, and his influence can't affect anyone anymore."

"But what about Pokey?" Paula asked.

Ness shrugged. "Either dead, or free from Angus and Giygas' influence. I don't think it matters."

"Well, then, why not have a celebration?" Venus asked.

"Sounds like a fine idea," Poo replied. "Everyone, hold onto me! I still know PSI Teleport!"

Everyone grabbed onto each other's hands and prepared to spin in circles at 88 miles per hour, ready for the dawn of a brand new day.


	51. Chapter 50 (Hades)

(AN: This is not Angus; rather, this is a friend of his named Hades [not really my name, in case you were wondering; my parents don't hate me]. Angus went on vacation for a while, and when he came back, he decided he was too pissed with the actions of Miss Fortune to properly continue his fanfiction. Thus, I'll be writing this until he cools down, as per his request. The reason for this painfully long hiatus is me writing down and working out what I believe is the best way to continue this fanfiction from this point, as well as working on school and Minecraft. I've read through the past few chapters, and I believe I've developed a sort of "canon" to this "Angusverse", as I like to call it.

I want to apologize to everyone who was offended by this fanfiction. Angus doesn't really want to offend anyone; he's a nice guy usually [though he's become pissed off lately by Miss Fortune and someone/thing named Nightmare X and the OS Project]. He just doesn't like Christians due to them being unscientific [the ones who believe in a young earth and intelligent design and all that], racist, sexist, worshipping something that doesn't exist, and generally being anti-humanistic. Angus wants the world to just do what they want and not bother with religion, as it slows down progress. I've tried to point out that Satanists [who he is one of] and Muslims [who he supports] are both religions, but I don't feel like getting screamed at inarticulately by him again.

And so, without further ado, the fanfic that many of you hate and that I tolerate, Earthbound: My Immor- er, My Version.)

* * *

><p>CHAPTER 50: The Embodiment of Christian Hatespeech<p>

I couldn't believe what had just happened. Someone that I had loved so dearly was transformed, before my own eyes even, into a wretched abomination of what appeared to be vomit with a human mouth and eyes.

"I AM MASTER BARF!" the creature roared.

"No, you're not!" I yelled, and it was a miracle that I could say anything. "Y-you're Mistress Bel-"

"THERE IS NO MISTRESS BELCH! I AM MASTER BARF, AND I WILL CONQUER YOU!"

Tears welled in my eyes and me and my companions tried to get away. Paula, Jeff, and Venus were by my side, and as we hid in the bushes, they tried to comfort me.

"Ness..." Jeff tried to say. He couldn't make the words come out, and understandably so.

"I'm so sorry," Paula managed to say, her face wet with tears.

Venus simply couldn't speak at all. She had seen Mistress Belch as a sister, almost, and to see her transformed by that eldritch light was too much for her to handle.

"DROWN TO DEATH IN PUKE!" Barf roared, vomiting wildly throughout the swamp. Seeing the creature do this act made us want to vomit in turn, but we held our stomachs.

Suddenly, Jeff got an idea. He pulled out his now-soggy backpack and retrieved a Multi-Bottle rocket from it, ready to fire at the beast.

"Take this, you-" Jeff muttered, aiming it at Master Barf.

"NO!" I shouted. "You can't! It's still Mistress Belch!"

"She's changed, Ness!" Jeff said, clearly not wanting to, either. "Don't you see? The light from that Hawk Eye transformed her into this. She's now Master Barf and, if I'm correct, she's become the embodiment of Christian hatespeech.

"What makes you say that?" Paula asked.

"Just a theory, but considering every other thing we've fought was Christian, I think it's a good bet this thing is, too."

"Fair enough, but..." Venus tried to make out, "you can't just-"

"I have to do what I must... for the good of the world..."

Jeff aimed his Multi-Bottle Rocket, certain that it would be a definite kill.

...

"PK... STARSTORM!" a voice shouted before a torrential rain of very small stars landed on the beast.

Poo had suddenly appeared.

We rushed up to greet him, but Poo disappeared in a flash onto Master Barf, reaching inside of its gooey mass and pulling out an amulet, which was the same one that the weapons dealer in the desert gave her. He claimed it had the power to unite all religions as one, but would have no effect on Christians.

Poo teleported back to us. "RUN!" he shouted, and we all ran into a cave at the end of the swamp.

Inside the cave, Paula used PK Fire to give us a light. "We'll be safe in here," Poo said. "Master Barf will kill us if we leave."

"But... we have to save her!" I pleaded.

"Ness..." Poo said, placing a hand on my shoulder. "I know. I understand how you feel, but there's no way of reasoning with her anymore. She's Master Barf now. I'm sorry..."

I sat down on the cold, stone ground in the darkness, as did the rest of them. She was gone; there was no way of getting her back.


	52. Chapter 52

AN: Hahaha it's been so long I almost 5got aboit my Earthbound fanyfic! Man, it's been so long. So srry gusy! I've been busy and all that crapp, so now let's cuntinue! (lol gettit! XD Fuk, I've been waiting to use that one XDDD)

Alsoo, I'm ginna avoid sex for a whikle, k? it;ll make it even Awesomer when ity all apears later, ok? Yay thank!))

EARTHBOUND MY VERSION TOTAL REDUX

Chapter 51 I think! The Adventure Cuntinues!

Ok, so, Now that Mistress Belch was dead, we had no chouce but to enter the cave. We met the Tenda people who were all shy and stuff. I decided to teach them how to have sex, and then they were happy and no longer shy! :D

One Tenda opened a way to enter the cave further, so we did so. We travelled deep down into the deep darkness of teh deep and dark cave. The deep darkness of the deep and dark cave got deeper and darker as we ecxplored ythe deep ad dark cave. The caeve was very deep and darj, but we eventuallu got to th e end where we found... a magnetic robot thing!

We blew up the robot thing and killed it with my Corpsetana and laser chainsaw baseball bat (AN: that was a thing i had, right? lol its been so long and I cant find my notes about the story, i must have left them at my gf annie's house lol. BTW, Annie, when r u gonna finish that Harry Potter story? It was epix! :D)

Jeff took the robot apart and made a Death Ray out of it! He used it on some of the Tenda, and it worked! We walked through the cave and found a really shiny hall where our thoughts were displayed on the walls. Stuff like "I'm Ness" and "Have sex with me" and "Kill all Christians and Rebuplicans and America" were written on the walls awesomely.

We left the hall and went BACK IN TIME. We ssaw dinosaurs and caves and stuff, and we were like reallly really small compared to everything else. We used PSI Teleport on the dinosaurs to sedn them to a Xtrian convention so we could screw with the christians there and make them go "WTF I thiot Dinosaurs dont exist I was wrong Jesus is a lie holy fuck" and we all laughed as they got eaten.

We went to a village were a bunch of ancient Tenda were standing all around. There was a giant rock there who talk us to to go to a cave called the Fire Spring. We went insane and saw... A huge LAWVA CAVE! The lave cave aws hyuge and we explored it carefykky.

As we got to the top, we saw a giant, fire breathing FIRE DOG!

"I AM TEH GUARDIAN OF THIS SANCTUARY," shouted the dog. "I AM CARBON DOG. I AM CREATED BY THE GIANT CARBON FOOTPRINT THAT CONSERVATIVES AND CAPITALISTS HAVE MADE. YOU CANNOT STOP me!"

Jeff used his Bazooka and his Death Ray together to kill teh Dog, and it seemed to work until he transformed! He became a huge, gigantic DIAMOND DOG!

He lunged at us and bit POo! "NOooo!" he explained before slowly turning into a solid diamond statue. "Ness please save me!" he screamed and cried but it was no use. Poo had become solid diamond.

"YOUY"RE NEXT" the DImenond Dog exclaimed and lunged at the rest of us. Venus deflected his bites with a mirror, distracting him while Paula, Jeff and Ness came up with a plan.

Paula used a PSI to confusion him! It seemed to work, and the Diamond Dog bit himself, and HE turned into solid diamond! We laughed and joked but suddenly I fainted!

Is Ness okay? WIll he survive his fainting? What will happen to Poo and the DIamond Dog? Find out next episode on Earthbound: MY Version!


	53. Chapter 53

**EARTHBOUND MY VERSION TOTAL REDUX**

**Chapter 53! !**

* * *

><p>Ok, so, Ness fainted and was now dreaming of the past. He remembered his time with his parents and that how they always treated him like a baby, so he murdered them and became addicted to porn because PORN IS AWEOSME :D<p>

He remembered getting kidnapped by a pair of bisexual satanist girls who loved shota boys so they raped me but ba**c**ause they were girls it was ok**a**y (srsly some people say that **r**ape is sti**l**l bad when w**o**men do it, but tho**s**e people are a bunch of men's rights activists. Women can do what they want! :D)

I was then transported **i**nto a world in**s**ide my head, the world of MAGICUNT (lol didja SRSLY think I'd pass up THAT opportunity?! It was the PERFEC T chance to do it!)

IN Magicunt, I met a bunch of hot babes, and I realized that they were all the babes I had ever fucked in my life! They **w**ere **a**ll so ho**t** and we had an in**c**redible orgy (t**h**ere were even guys there, too! **I** gotto fuck them too! It was like so fucki**n**g awesome and I came so many times it was hilariously epic and we had a **g**ood time :D)

I **m**et a bunch of bird p**e**ople named the Flying Men! They were like flying wrestlers and destoryed everything if they joined me! (like in Super Smash 3DS, luv that game, planning on making a SMash Bros Fanfic soon, I have outlines and character notes already!)

Toget**h**er, w**e** travel**l**ed through the Sea of Eden, the dee**p**est part of my subconcious, witch contained a surprising lack of hawt naked people but instead a lot of wierd dice things and Krakens. I threw my shoes at them, but it didn't seem to help. They still were alive regardless.

We eventually **m**ade it to the center of teh Sea where I encountered a golden, glowing statu**e**.

"I am the Mani Mani Statue... No... I am you, Ness."

I gasped. "M-Me?!"

"Yes," the statue replied. "I am the evil inside of you, taking the form of the Statue that represents Giygas' power. I am all your greed, all your lust, all your violence... I AM you."

I nodded. "Yep. So what?"

The statue then turned into a Persona and I woke up.

(AN: Been waiting to make a Persona 4 ref! I looove that game, it's the only 1 i play on my Vita XD)


	54. Chapter 54

AN: THE GRAND FINALE IS COMING SOON! I'M GONNA MAKE JUST TWO MORE CHAPTERS AFTR THIS ONE, THEN THE FIC IS OVER! I hope you've enjoyed! I know i'll miss EarthBound, but I just can't wait for EarthBound Beginnings so I want to focus on THAT! :D Have fun and enjoy the final three chapters!

**EARTHBOUND MY VERSION COMPLETE REDUX**

**Chapter 54! The Tiem Machine!**

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><p>Ok, so, now that I was awake, my friends were there and we decided to go to Saturn Valley, were Jeff's gay dad was. He built a time machine because it's been proven that gay guys are smarter than straight ones (lok it up).<p>

Pokey stole his original time machine, so he had to build this one. Unfortune, he forgot one piece, a bit of Zexionite that could be found in a meteorite.

"Well get it!" I exclaimed so we teleported to Onett and stole the entire Meteor. Suddenly, an alien invasion happened! Millions died, so Ness, Paula, Venus, and Jeff worked together to save the city! It worked, and everyone was saved (except Pokey, whom everybody murdered in public).

We went back to Saturn Valley and met up with Jeff's dad, Dr. Andonuts. We gave him a piece of the Meteorite for the machine and sold the rest. We also sold the Diamond Dog and Diamondized Poo. We made over a trillion dollars, and gave a bunch to a LGBT+ charity.

Then, the time machine opened up and we went through it! We travelled to the past, but couldn't find where Pokey had went. We needed to find him and stop him from killing Giygas. However, Dr. Andonuts appeared and said "You cannot go to where Pokey or Giygas are yet. The time travel will hurt you too much. You must first put your minds into robot bodies that won't be hurt by the time travel."

"Ok" we said and he turned us into SUPER FIGHTING ROBOTS. We went into the future (we knew it was the future bcause everything was chrom, and everything is chrom in teh future lol spengebob ref)


End file.
